


When it all goes wrong.

by Just_Larry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Cancer, Death (Mention), Drama, M/M, Multi, Post-Break Up, Sad, Sad Harry, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-04-09 19:22:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4361246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Larry/pseuds/Just_Larry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His boyfriend having a baby with someone else is the last straw for Harry, so just before the baby story goes public, Louis and him break up. </p><p>As expected Harry doesn't deal all that well with everything. But what if Harry isn't just heartbroken? What if something worst is coming his way? </p><p>A drama filled story, featuring Niall and Liam as the always supportive friends, loving families and everything that goes with the 1D fandom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. They’re playing chasing cars and I thought of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from "All of the Stars" by Ed Sheeran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is obviously inspired by the current events. However, apart from the setting, the rest of this story is fictional.  
> 

The phone rang, one, two, three times, then stopped. Harry grabbed his bag, looked around to check if everything was in order, set the alarm and headed outside. He quickly said hi to the driver who was holding the door for him before stepping into the car. Niall was already sitting in there, he interrupted his phone call for a mere second to greet his friend. The car started and Harry looked outside the window, it was the middle of the afternoon and the streets of Los Angeles were packed as always. He was lost in his thoughts when he heard his name.

 

_\- Harry? Harry! Are you alright mate?_

 

He looked at his worried friend and, for what felt like the first time in forever, he smiled.

 

_\- I’m fine, what about you, Ni? Excited?_

_- Sure!!! It’s gonna be sick mate!_

 

The boys were on their way to San Diego for their 1st show in the US this year.

 

_- I talked to Liam, they’re on their way too._

 

He didn’t answer, just nodded, Louis was with Liam then. He didn’t know how he felt about that information. He hadn’t talk to Louis in a while, not since the day Louis received that phone call after their show in Helsinki.

He remembered the worried look on his face when he hung up.

 

******Flashback******

 

_- Lou, what’s the matter, who was it?_

_- It can’t be Haz, I don’t know…_

_- Lou, you’re scaring me? Who was it._

_- Briana._

_- Who’s Briana?_

_- She’s one of the girls I hung out with in LA._

_- Okay, why was she calling?_

_- She’s pregnant. She says it’s mine._

_- It can’t be, right Lou, it can’t be yours?_

 

Louis looked hesitant for a minute and then it hit Harry, Louis had had sex with this girl, Louis had cheated on him. Harry felt like the earth was opening beneath his feet, swallowing him.

 

_- I don’t know, I can’t remember anything after we left the club…_

_- What do you mean? You don’t remember if you fucked her?_

_- I was so drunk Haz. I don’t know. I woke up and she was in my bed. That’s all I remember, I swear!_

_- You… you let her sleep in our bed?!_

_- I don’t know, I can’t remember…_

_-  Were you naked?_

_-  Listen…_

_-  Were you?_

_- Well…_

_-  I can’t believe you!_ Harry took a step back, I’m done.

_-  What do you mean?_

_-  That’s it. I’m done. We’re over._

_\- You don't think that . We’ll fix it, we’ll get over it. We always do._

_\- No. I’m done. I didn’t say a word when you were parading around the world with Eleanor, pretending she was the best thing that ever happened to you. I stayed quiet when you said we were bullshit. I remained silent when you were partying with a bunch a different girls every other night. But that’s a baby we’re talking about Louis. A fucking baby._

_-  We don’t even know for sure if it’s mine._

_-  I don’t care. The simple fact that you’re not a 100% sure it’s not yours tells me enough. It speaks volume about your so-called love for me and what you think of our relationship._

_\- Don’t you dare say that I don’t love you…_

_\- Sure, you loved me so much you can’t even remember if you slept with her or not._

_\- I’m young, I was drunk, I made a mistake. But I love you. I need you more than ever. I’m scared Haz, okay. I‘m shitting myself right now. What if it’s mine. What if that baby ruins the band, everything I have worked for all those years. What is my mum going to say. I fucked up so bad, Harry._

_\- I don’t know about the band or your mum, Louis. But I do know for sure that baby already ruined our relationship. Whether it’s yours or not. I can’t do that._

 

Harry moved towards the door.

 

_\- So that’s it. You’re giving up on us when I need you the most?_

_\- No Louis,_ Harry said without turning to look at him _, you gave up on us when you decided to follow our management‘s orders like an obedient puppy._

_\- If you’re leaving now, don’t bother coming back. I wish I’ve never even met you._

_\- That makes two of us Louis,_ Harry whispered while he walked through the door.

 

That was the last conversation they had.

 

A couple days later, the boys were called into an emergency meeting.

When Harry entered the room he saw Niall and Liam in on the couch in front of Simon, with  a few other members of their team.

 

 _\- Let’s get started,_ Simon said.

_\- Are we not waiting for Louis?_

_\- No Niall, Louis is in LA at the moment but we already talked with him._

 

Liam and Niall looked at Harry with surprise. What was he doing here if Louis was in LA?

 

_\- So, boys, a couple days ago, Louis let us know that one of the girls he’s been hanging out with lately is pregnant._

_\- What!!!_ Niall yelled.

 _\- What do you mean? It isn’t Louis', right?_ Liam asked at the same time.

_\- We don’t know for sure. It’s too early on in the pregnancy to run a DNA test but the girls assures us she hadn't slept with anyone else in the last few months._

_\- What does Louis say?_

_\- Well, Liam, Louis isn’t sure but he is inclined to believe her. He’s with her at the moment since they obviously have things to discuss._

_\- Wait, Louis thinks she’s telling the truth… but Harry..._

 

Everyone turned to the younger lad, he was livid. Suddenly he stood up and ran out of the room. Niall followed him into the bathroom and heard him throwing up.

 

_\- H? Are you okay? What can I do for you._

 

No response. He stayed there a long time, in the now silent bathroom. Then he heard it, the soft broken cries. If you ever ask Niall what the saddest thing on Earth is, he would probably say Harry Styles crying.

 

_\- H? Buddy what can I do for you?_

_\- He told me he couldn’t remember, Ni. He told me…_

_\- H… I’m so sorry for you... I’m… tell me what to do._

_\- Could we leave, please. I don’t want to stay here. Everybody knows now. Everybody knows Louis cheated on me. They must be so happy, “see the gay couple is over”. I can’t stay Ni. Can we go now._

_\- Where do you want to go._

_\- Anywhere. I don’t care._

 

Niall took Harry at to Gemma’s and they both stayed there for a few days, Anne came too. Harry was silent most of the time but they could hear him crying softly during the night. He had to go back to LA eventually to work and to meet with a few friends.

Management has had decided to keep the story quiet about the baby as long as possible. Nobody was talking about the situation around Harry and he was grateful for it.

 

****** End of the flashback******

 

San Diego was great, Harry and Louis didn’t talk at all but they put on a great show for the fans. They were backstage in Santa Clara when Harry heard Louis yelling at someone.

 

_\- Are you fucking kidding me. It was supposed to remains secret for at least a couple more weeks?_

_\- We’re sorry Louis, apparently one of her friends went to the press and sold the story. It will be out in the next few days._

_\- What are we supposed to do then?_

_\- Well our advice for the moment is for you to stay silent and we suggest your relatives and friends do the same. We won’t comment on the news until a DNA test has be made._

_\- Briana won’t do one before the baby is born. She doesn’t want to add more stress to her pregnancy._

_\- Are you okay with that?_

_\- Yes. Her well-being and the baby’s come first._

_\- Okay. So we’ll keep an eye on everything going on and let you know what our next move should be._

 

Harry felt sick in his stomach. The baby story was going public. There was nothing he could do but watch the man he loved for 5 years, and still loved, being revealed as a dad-to be, with someone else’s baby.

When the story hit the internet, spreading like wildfire, Harry was at home, alone. He felt exhausted both physically and emotionally. He shut down all his electronic devices, not wanting to know what people were saying nor talking to anyone at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Audrey and Myrto for proofreading the prologue.
> 
> If you like this story and want me to continue writing it, leave a kudo, drop a comment.
> 
> If you didn't like it, sorry for wasting your time.


	2. If I could make days last forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Time In A Bottle" by Jim Croce
> 
> The news gets public.  
> Harry makes a decision.

Harry hadn’t talk to anyone since the story broke, his family, friends, Liam, Niall and even Zayn had tried to reach him a few times but he had let all the calls go to his voicemail. He stayed away from all social medias as well. He knew that by now half of the fans and press would be delighted by the news of Louis being obviously _“so not gay”_ while the other half must be either sad or making fun of the situation.

When he arrived in Seattle, Liam was the first one he saw.

 

_\- Harry! You’re here!! We’ve been worried about you mate!_

 

Liam took him in his arm, and maybe it was just being enveloped by his friend’s warmth or maybe just because he was so exhausted emotionally, but Harry started to sob quietly into the crook of Liam’s neck. They were still standing in the middle of the backstage area and Liam noticed Louis eying them from the dressing room, with something between a worried and an angry look on his face. He gently stroked Harry’s back while guiding him towards a more private place.

He was still holding his friend tightly because he felt like if he let go, Harry would break in million pieces.

 

 _\- I’m so sorry, crying is all I can do these days,_ Harry sobbed.

_\- Shhh you don’t have to apologize, it’s perfectly normal to cry. Healthy even sometimes._

_\- I’m such a baby…_ and with that Harry started to cry even more.

 

Liam never had thought that the word “baby” would ever make Harry - I love babies so much - Styles cry. He felt helpless, useless, not knowing what to do in it’s totally new situation. From the start of this mess, he carefully choose to not pick a side. And while Niall was very clear on where he stood - by Harry’s side - Liam managed to remain kind of neutral. But right now, having Harry crying on his shoulder he thought back to his recent - rather animated - discussion with the Irish lad.

 

****** Flashback******

 

 _\- You can’t just pretend you’re fucking Switzerland all the time Liam!!!_ had shouted their blond friend.

_\- I’m not picking a side, that’s it. The situation is shitty enough as it is._

_\- How is travelling with Louis not picking a side?_ Niall seemed genuinely upset, he was walking in the room while tearing some piece of paper apart.

 

Liam was sitting on the couch, trying to stay as calm as possible but the hand he kept running through his hair was betraying his stress.

 

_\- Maybe Louis needs us too? Did you think about that for a minute? He’s the one in the middle of this shitstorm. He’s the one who’s gonna have a freaking kid, Ni!!!_

_\- And why that, Li? Why?_ Niall was yelling now, not caring that everyone around us could hear them. _Let me tell why. Because that fucking prick couldn’t bother putting a fucking condom on._

_\- We don’t know all the story Ni, we can’t judge him._

_\- Can’t judge him? Are you serious?_ Niall was glaring at his bandmate. _Can’t judge him. That’s fucking brilliant!_

 _\- Listen Ni,_ Liam stood up and took his friend by the shoulder, trying to calm him down _, I know the situation is shitty. I mean it’s Louis and Harry. But they’re both our friends. We don’t know everything. Sure we love them to death but I think we should stay out of this mess as much as possible. Support them both. We don’t even know for sure if that baby is Louis’._

 _\- I literally don’t care if Louis is hurt by the situation. I don’t even care if the baby is his, Alberto’s or Obama’s. Harry is the one who has been cheated on…_ Niall yelled while throwing the pieces of paper he was holding. They fell like a fake snow around them.

_\- We don’t even know…_

_\- Shut it, Liam, I don’t buy the whole “he can’t remember” story. When was the last time you forgot if you had put your dick in some girl. Pissed drunk or not, you remember. That asshole is breaking my - our - friend’s heart, he doesn’t deserve having it easy. Fuck, as if Zayn leaving didn’t stress everyone enough, a baby was just what this band needed, innit?!_

 

Niall was so angry that his eyes were getting wet, his fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were turning white.

 

_\- You know what?! Fuck him. He brought this shit on himself! I won’t console him! Nothing is alright, Liam, nothing has been for a long time._

 

He punched the wall next to the door and tears started to run for real on his cheeks.

 

 _\- He’s ruining everything. I hope she’s worth it._ He whispered while exiting the room.

 

Liam sat back on the couch, took his head in his hands and sighed. His phone rang in his pocket, for a second he hesitated but took it anyway. He looked at Sophia’s smiling face on the screen and slid the green button.

 

 _\- Hey babe, what’s up? How are things back home?_ He asked faking happiness.

 _\- Fine, I just wanted to check on you._ Sophia answered softly. He could sense worry in her voice.  _How are you all holding up?_

 

Liam exhaled loudly. How were they holding up? Harry hadn’t given any sign of life since the news went public, the always so happy Niall just exited the room yelling at him and crying, Louis had smoked at least two packs of cigarettes since they arrived at the stadium an hour ago. And him? He was lost. What if Niall was right? What if that story was the last straw for the fans? What if their friendship was ruined because of it.

 

_\- I won’t lie, it’s hard Soph. Everything is just fucked up… so fucked up. I felt that we were finally somewhat okay without Z. and we were all excited for the next album… and now I don’t know. And it scares me so much. He was rubbing his eyes with the hand that wasn’t holding his phone._

_\- Oh babe, it’s gonna be okay, you guys are strong, you’ll manage to get through it._

_\- I’m not so sure this time,_ Liam whispered, and suddenly he realized it was the first time he ever voiced his fear out loud.

_\- You will, I know it. You love each other so much, you need each other and think about your fans. They love you too._

 

Sophia sounded so sure of herself and Liam wished he could be so sure himself.

 

_\- I don’t know. I think the fans are tired of our shit. Harry isn’t talking to anyone, Niall is angry, Louis pretends he’s fine, Zayn... isn’t here. I can’t hold on the ship for everyone Soph. I can’t be the only one trying to make this band work. I can’t…_

 

He couldn’t finish his sentence as he started sobbing into his fist.

 

_\- Shhh, it’s okay babe, it’s a lot to take in. But you’re stronger than that. I know it. I know you. I know everything is different, I know it’s scary. It’s gonna take a while for everything to be okay again but you’ll get there._

 

Sophia’s calm voice soothed him. He took a deep breath and managed to recompose himself.

 

_\- Thanks Babe, I needed to hear that I think. You always find the right words._

 

He heard his name being called by Stella, one of the tour assistant.

 

_\- Okay Babe, I have to go, we need to do some sound check. I love you._

_\- Love you too, call me tomorrow, okay?_

 

Liam hummed in lieu of an answer before ending the call and standing up. He exited the room and saw Harry coming in.

 

******End of flashback******

 

 

Liam was still rubbing Harry’s back, who was now sniffing when Niall entered the room.

 

 _\- Liam, they need you on stage right..._ His voice was still harsh from their earlier fight.

 

He noticed Harry and rushed towards his friends, a worried look on his face.

 

 _\- Hey H., I didn’t know you were there yet._ He said in a softer tone.

 _\- Just arrived,_ Liam whispered back.

 

Harry turned slowly and Niall noticed his eyes were red and swollen. The sight broke his heart.

 

 _\- H…._ He took him in his arm and gently put his hair out of this face _, he’s not worth it you know. He’s not worth you crying and being miserable. He’s the one who deserves to feel like shit. Not you. Never you._

 _\- Niall…_ started Liam in a warning tone.

 

Harry cut him, swiping his nose with his hand.

 

_\- He’s right, Li. I’m the one who keeps crying. I’m the one broken. It should be him. It should be…_

 

Harry straightened his posture, something in his eyes changed, sadness turning into anger.

 

_\- He fucked up. Bad. And we all have to deal with the shit he caused. But I’m done crying over him. From now on he’s dead to me. I don’t want to hear about him._

_\- That’s gonna be kind of hard, you’re in the same band,_ Liam said softly.

_\- The same band and that’s it. It’s not like we’ve been interacting so much anyway. Management gonna be overjoyed, they won’t need to ask us to remain as far as possible from each other._

 

Harry seemed suddenly very calm. And it scared Liam more than anything to be honest.

 

_\- Okay boys, we have a show to get ready for._

 

Niall nodded, patted Harry’s back and lead the way out of the room, Liam following close behind.

Left alone in the room, Harry called Lou to ask if she could meet him in this room to get him ready and if she could pick his clothes on her way. As much as he may have seemed confident with the boys, he hadn’t felt ready to face Louis just yet. Lou seemed to understand his reasons and came in only a few minutes later. Lottie was close behind and she looked hesitant to step in. Harry always loved Louis’ family and he knew that with Lottie working for them now, he would have to see them again, as weird as it might feel. Putting on his brave face, he gestured her to come in.

 

 _\- I wasn’t sure if I should come in,_ Lottie started , visibly uncomfortable _, I mean, I thought that maybe you didn’t want to see me after…_

 _\- Lotts,_ Harry stopped her, holding his hand in the air _, it’s okay. I don’t mind you here. But if it’s weird for you, you don’t have to stay here. I won’t mind, I swear._

 _\- It’s a bit weird, because you know… you and Lou…_ she said looking for the right words, eyes fixed on the floor.

 _\- I don’t want to talk about him. Especially with you. He’s your brother._ Harry said firmly.

 _\- He’s my brother and I love him but he’s an asshole too,_ Lottie stated, more confident and looking Harry in the eyes this time.

_\- And with this truth being told, I suggest we start dealing with what you dare calling hair, Styles, Lou joked lightly._

_\- Heyyyyy,_ Harry wined, pretending to be offended but he sat in the chair anyway, letting Lou get to work.

 

And of course things weren’t okay, Harry wasn’t even sure if he’ll ever get there again, but he knew that he wasn’t alone. He had his family, his friends and he couldn’t forget their wonderful fans, who stood with them through everything over the last 5 years. He wasn’t alright but he owed to all of those people loving him, supporting him, looking up to him to at least try.

 

 _\- Show must go on._ He whispered to himself while Lou started to groom him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Leave a kudo, drop a comment.


	3. But I know in my heart, you're not a constant star.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Fool's Gold" by One Direction
> 
> Liam is his usual self and tries to fix everything.  
> Louis and Harry finally talk.

Just as they were finishing to get ready for the show, Louis pulled Liam apart to talk to him.

 

 _\- Hey Li, I was wondering, how is Harry doing?_ He asked his friend casually.

_\- How do you think he’s doing? His ex-boyfriend becoming a dad is all over the tabloids._

 

Liam sounded angry and Louis was kind of surprised. During their flight from L.A. together, Liam seemed okay, he even asked how Louis was, so his sudden anger was new.

 

_\- I know he’s upset. I just want to make sure he’s fine besides that._

 

Louis’ tone was cautious and filled with worry. He got closer to Liam and making sure nobody could hear them he whispered:

 

_\- You know how stressed he can be over everything and you and I know that he’s never been good at dealing with stress and such._

 

Liam knew. He remembered the countless times he found Louis comforting Harry after he read a hateful comment on the Internet. He remembered all the times Harry got physically sick before a huge show. How nervous he was every time they were in public at the beginning. Most of the public never noticed but Harry has been the one having the most difficulties with everything going around them.

Louis was the older and he always had his own way to deal with criticism and stress, he joked about it. Not that he wasn’t upset or concerned about some of the remarks being thrown at him, but he knew how to make them a strength.

Zayn painted. Whenever the situation was too much, he just isolated himself and drew whatever came into his mind. They all had some of Zayn’s painting, at home, in their dressing rooms or even in the tour bus. And when it became all too much, when even drawing couldn’t compensate the pressure, he was brave enough to walk out.

They used to call Liam “daddy direction” - oh the irony - and not only because he used to be the serious one. From the start, Liam had this capacity to distance himself from the critics. He was the mature one, the one who from day one knew they could make it big. He had always dealt with celebrity and all its inconvenience in a very mature way. Not letting what people said about him put him down.

Niall’s way was to laugh about it. And when laughing wasn’t enough, he played some guitar to calm himself. The Irish lad also had this incredible faculty of always find the positive in any situation. So if someone was harsh with him, he used to say that he could only get better and thanks to that “advice” fix what’s wrong more easily.

But Harry was the baby of the group. He took all the remarks and critics very hard at the beginning of everything. He was just a teen back then, feeling unsure of most things. Harry was just too good and too nice to cope with the ugliness of this world and his family had always protected him from it. From day one, Louis took it upon himself to do his best to protect him. He saw him breaking because of a Tweet so many times. If for the rest of the world and even most of their crew, Harry was a strong young man, confident in who he was, the boys and especially Louis knew how insecure he was. How little he tend to think of himself. Liam knew of course.

 

 _\- He’s not upset Louis,_ he answered, sighing. He’s destroyed. _He’s pretending being over it, over you. But he’s not._

 

Louis didn’t answer. He was looking at ground, biting his lips, drawing blood under his teeth. Liam looked at him and saw all the worry in his friend’s face. But he continued anyway, feeling that Louis needed to hear the truth. As hurtful as it might be for him.

 

_\- I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, Louis, but that’s true. And honestly I think this is what’s been lacking in this band lately. Truth. The truth is Louis, you broke him. He was trusting you beyond measure. I mean he told us so many times before that the only certainty in his life was his love for you and yours for him. You were the one person he always thought would never hurt him._

 

Tears were shining in Louis’ eyes. His lips trembling lightly. Ever since their breakup he had felt like Harry was somehow okay, not happy sure, but okay. With the news going public, he knew that things would be harder for all of them. It wasn’t their secret anymore, the world knew about it, gossiped about it, commented on it. He didn’t even try to contact Harry after the news broke, what for _“Hey, it’s me, your ex-boyfriend you have to work with. I wanted to make sure you were okay with the world knowing I cheated on you. The cheating part apart, obviously, since we’re very much still in the closet.”_? That would have been awkward. So he didn’t call him. He didn’t call anyone for that matter.

His mum was beyond upset for what he had done, both to that girl and to Harry, whom she loved very much. His sisters were pissed at him. He didn’t had want to put Liam, Niall and Zayn in a difficult situation towards Harry and figured it was best if he left them out of it. Stan told him he fucked up, big time and Louis already knew that and didn’t need anyone to remind him. And the others guys… well they were kind of there and it all happened and they didn’t stop him.

Of course he was still pissed at Harry for giving up on them so easily but the truth was he always felt like making sure that the younger lad was doing okay, was happy, was his responsibility. He still remembered the day they moved into their first shared flat. Harry was only 16 back then and he would never forget the moment Anne took him in her arms and whispered to him _“I’m trusting you with one of my most precious treasure. Don’t let me down. He’s my baby, promise me you’ll take care of him, always”_. Anne’s eyes were wet and Louis had known at that moment that no matter what, he will always try to make her proud. He couldn't even imagine how upset she might have felt when she had heard the news. And it broke his heart to think that he could add Harry’s family to the long list of people he had disappointed.

 

 _\- Can you do me a favor Liam,_ Louis asked, finally lifting his face to look at his friend.

 _\- You can always ask,_ answered Liam softly. He was trying to read Louis’ face but couldn’t see anything besides the obvious pain and tiredness.

_\- Could you please look after Harry for me. Take care of him. He needs someone to do so, even if he tells you otherwise. Especially if he tells you otherwise. I… I know I don’t have the right to ask for anything, I know I screwed up, but that not about me, it’s about him. And yeah, it will make me feel a tiny bit better if I know he been taken care of, but that’s for him mainly. He…_

 

Louis was full on rambling, barely taking time to breath, and that’s when he broke down in front of someone else for the first time since the start of this mess.

 

_\- Please, Li, just take care of him… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry…_

 

And just like he had done with Harry a few hours earlier, Liam took his sobbing friend in his arms and started to shush him.

 

_\- Shhh, Louis, breathe… I know bro, I know. I’ll take care of him, I swear. If you promise me to take care of yourself._

_\- I… I don’t know how Li. I don’t even know how to exist without him… I miss him so much._

 

Liam knew Harry was missing Louis as well. He never said so out loud, but he had heard him whispering it in his sleep not so long ago. They were on the same stage night after night, only a few meters away and they missed each other. They were miserable without each other. He knew that Niall would have killed him if he ever learned what he was about to say, but he felt like it needed to be said. For his friends’ sake. For the band. For their friendship.

 

_\- Then don’t._

_\- Don’t what?_

_\- Don’t exist without him. You guys are the two parts of a soul. You can’t live with just a half of your soul._

 

Louis didn’t understand what Liam was trying to say. Seeing his friend frowning his brows, Liam continued with the same soft voice:

 

 _\- Go see him. Talk to him. Tell him what you just told me. Fix that, fix you before it’s too late. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t at least try. I’m not sure… Do it Louis. Just talk to him, please. You’re both miserable and I can’t stand seeing my best friends like that. Please Louis._ Liam pleaded.

 _\- Okay… I’ll try,_ Louis agreed in a whisper. _I’ll talk to him. After the show, I’ll talk to him then._

 

****

 

They have expected the show to be weird now that the news was out but it wasn’t. The public was excited and the boys felt energized by the crowd. From an outsider point of view, the boys seemed to be their regular, joyful, playful selves. And people thought they couldn’t act. Out of instinct, Louis turned towards Harry a few times, especially during _18_.

The fans always had wondered whether the song was about Louis and Harry. Ed had said once it was written about one of boys relationship after all. But what he didn’t say, is how he wrote that song at Louis’ demand. As some sort of answer to Little Things that Harry had inspired to their red haired friend. Louis couldn’t forget how emotional Harry had been when he first heard the song. They were in their living room in London, Ed was there for diner. He had taken Harry’s guitar and started the first few notes. Louis had sung. His eyes never living Harry’s. _“I have loved you since I was 18”_. In order to put the song on the album, Ed had made a few changes but Louis would forever remember what the song was supposed to be. And looking at Harry singing it in front of tens of thousand of people, he wondered if he remembered too. If singing those words was breaking his heart in a million pieces as well.

After the show, he tried to find Harry backstage but Lou told him he had left as soon as he was off the stage. He decided to go back to L.A. telling himself that being in their home would be a better place to talk anyway. As his car was parking in the driveway in front of the house, he saw a trunk in front of the porch and people going in and out carrying boxes. Frowning, he wondered what those people were doing here at almost 4 am. He got off the car, thanking the driver quickly and approached the boxes that weren’t closed. In one of them he immediately recognized one of his tee-shirt, neatly folded. And suddenly it hit him. Harry was getting rid of his stuffs. He grabbed one of the guy by the arm and harshly asked:

 

_\- What are you doing with those boxes?_

_\- Shipping them._ The man answered unbothered.

_\- Where to?_

_\- London. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to keep going, we need to be at the airport by 6. Why..._

 

Not even letting him finish his sentence, Louis rushed inside. When he entered the living room, he saw Harry, sitting at the edge of the terrace. He was holding his legs in his arms, chin resting on his knees. He looked small like that. Strangely similar to the boy Louis met and fall in love with, all those years ago. His eyes were wet and Louis could see tears running on his cheeks. He resisted the urge to take him in his arms, to shush him and tell him everything would be alright. Instead he cleared his throat to make his presence known. Harry swept his tears promptly and put a smile on his face before turning his head to see who was there. When his eyes landed on Louis’ face, his expression changed again.To something between surprise and anger.

 

 _\- What are you doing here?_ He asked while getting up slowly.

 _\- I needed to talk to you, Haz,_  Louis whispered.

_\- I’m not interested. You can go._

 

Harry moved towards the door.

 

 _\- Please. Let me explain._ Louis pleaded, grabbing him by the elbow.

 

Harry jolted, as he was just burnt by the contact and his reaction made Louis’ chest clench. He was the reason of that. There was a time where the two of them couldn’t spend more than a few minutes without touching each other. There was a time where they were both craving each other touch.

 

_\- I just want to explain, I…_

 

Louis was looking for the right words to say. How do you even say to the love of your life you’re sorry for breaking their trust, for crushing their heart. How do you explain to the person that matters more than life itself and destroyed anyway that you need them more than air.

 

_\- I love you so much…_

_\- I love you too._ Harry whispered, barely audible. He stood there, in the doorstep, head down.

 

But that’s funny how life works. If Louis hadn’t spent so many time listening to each sounds Harry could make, he would have missed it. If he hadn’t learnt over the years to read any movement the younger man could make, he wouldn’t have notice how tired and broken he looked.

 

_\- I’m so sorry._

_\- I know you are._

 

Louis felt hope, maybe they could fix it. Maybe they could start over again.

 

 _\- But that’s not enough. I… You…_ Harry started to cry in silence.

 

Louis took him in his arms, this time Harry didn’t flinched and for the first time in weeks, Louis felt whole again. They stood like that a few minutes then Harry moved away. He had recomposed himself a bit.

 

 _\- I know you’re sorry Louis and I want to believe you genuinely are. But I can’t get over that. I just can’t. You broke my heart on million pieces and I’m not sure I will ever find them all again._ He said more calmly.

 _\- I’m truly sorry, Haz. Truly._ Louis answered. He took a breath thinking for second about what he was going to say next. _But maybe that baby is going to be a good thing for us._

 

Harry looked at him with a questioning face but let him continue.

 

 _\- I mean, I know the timing isn’t ideal, but we always said we wanted kids. We could raise the baby together. We could make it works, all three of us,_ Louis said hopeful. _We could move here permanently and Briana could find a place nearby. That would be the best for everyone_

 

Harry took a step back. And he suddenly laughed, throwing his head backwards and startling Louis a bit.

 

 _\- You’re fucking unbelievable. Sure let’s be a perfect happy family together, me, you, your bastard and your whore. She could even move in with us. I can’t fucking wait for my mum to meet her,_ he spat, his eyes shooting daggers.

 

Immediately Louis shifted into defensive mode.

 

_\- Then what if you have a better idea, now is the time to expose it. I’m just trying to figure this shit out._

_\- As you should. That’s your shit Louis. I have nothing to do with it,_ Harry answered angrily.

_\- You could have said something earlier, when… You could have…_

 

Louis stopped himself, not wanting to go too far. This is not how he had imagined this conversation going. He imagined Harry being sad, tired maybe even depressed. He actually never thought he would be sarcastic and angry because both of those things were so not like him.

 

_\- I could have what Louis? Please continue, I’m curious about what I could have done for you not to fuck the first comer._

_\- If you had been more careful nothing would have happen. So you’re in part responsible for the situation,_ Louis finally said.

 

Truth is that idea has been in his mind for a long time but he never dared to voice it out loud before. Not in front of anyone and especially not in front of Harry who looked shocked and hurt.

 

_\- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?_

_\- It means that if you hadn’t have been so carefree about everything lately, none of this would have happen,_ Louis was getting frustrated and he started to speak without any filter. _All they asked us to do was to tone down the whole “gay thing”, Harry. And you perfectly knew that with Eleanor gone we needed to be even more careful. But you didn’t gave a shit. And in order to keep things normal I had to take upon myself and protect you! I had to parade around the world with those stupid women because you couldn’t control yourself. And you know what? I was tired of all this bullshit. So tired I got drunk out of my mind. But if you think about it, you’re the one who made me do it. You should have listened Harry, for once in your life._

 

They stood there, silently defying each other, none of them looking down. It was just a few seconds but for the both of them it seemed like hours.

 

 _\- If that’s really what you think, then you should go now,_ Harry said, still looking at Louis in the eyes. _I’m sorry you felt like shit because I was done pretending someone I’m not. I’m sorry you thought I was wrong for being finally who I am._

 

He could feel the tears coming up again but, determined to let Louis see him cry again, he clenched his fist and took a step towards his ex-boyfriend.

 

_\- And you know what Louis, it’s sad, not for me, but for you. because of all the people out there I was one of the few who knew the real you and loved you. Not for what you represent, not because you could get me expensive gifts, fly around the world in the blink of an eye, give me some kind of “access”, ‘cause I don’t need you for that. No, I knew the real you, the one who is soft, the one who gets cuddly after a long flight, the one who was scared nobody ever loved him. Guess what? I loved you. I loved the loud and sassy person who are in public, the quiet one you were at home, I loved the singer, the footy player and the guys who doesn’t know how to clean a sink. I loved them all. You could have it all Louis, the career, the fame, the family, the friends and me. I gave you everything since I was fucking 16. And you took it all and left me with nothing so fuck you._

 

Louis had let him talk without interrupting, and even though he knew deep down that Harry was right. That Harry had done nothing for the past 5 years but love him, support him. That he was the one who fucked up so bad. He couldn’t just help himself and let the anger take over.

 

 _\- Poor little rich kid!_ He spat back, _You never had to do anything, everything was always handed to you in a silver plate Harry. Oh Harry is made to be a popstar. Harry is so perfect. The band would be nothing without Harry. Harry is so polite. Harry is so nice. Harry’s the perfect boyfriend. I was sick of it. All that only matter was you. You were the one always being praised, not only by the public but by my own family even. I had a fake girlfriend for almost 4 years for you and while you kept getting wilder and wilder with the whole “gay thing” I was pushed back in the closet ever more. Because of you._

 

The moment these words left Louis’ mouth, he knew he was going too far. But he couldn’t change the past and take them back.

 

 _\- I’m sorry if my life wasn’t complete shit!_ Harry said after a few second of complete silence. _I hope that baby thing will help you out of it then. I hope you don’t forget to mention to your kid how you used to fuck his “uncle Harry” before - hell while - you were fucking his mom..._

 

And then Louis slapped him, hard.

Harry immediately took a step back, holding his burning cheek and looking at Louis with wide eyes.

 

 _\- Shit, I’m sorry Harry. I didn’t meant to…_ Louis seemed genuinely sorry but Harry cut him coldly

_\- Get out!_

 

And as Louis didn’t move he started pushing him towards the door.

 

_\- Get the fuck out of my house!!! Leave!! Now!!!_

 

Louis ran into the house and didn’t stop until he was at the outside gate. He knew there was no more fixing it. He leaned into the wall and taking his face in his hand started to cry with all his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!
> 
> As usual, leave a kudo, drop a comment!
> 
> Thanks to Myrto for proofreading this chapter.


	4. Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from "I Lived" by OneRepublic
> 
> Louis regrets his action and Liam and Niall help Harry to make a difficult choice.

The moment Louis had slapped him, Harry had known that nothing will never be the same between them. That any hope they could somehow find a way to at least be friends was lost. Louis had hit him and that was something he couldn’t forgive nor forget. It has been two weeks since the incident and he hadn’t talk to Louis ever since. On stage he was still his goofy, happy self, always trying to give the best show possible to their public. But as soon as the show was over, he was retracting himself, barely talking to anyone and sleeping almost all the time. Harry had always been quite a sleeper but lately he felt particularly exhausted, every single move was difficult. The morning before _Good Morning America_ , Niall found him clenched above the toilets, throwing up the small amount of food he had eaten a couple minutes before. To be honest, the past few weeks had been very hard on him with Briana's family all over the media, telling the world how happy and impatient they were about the baby. While their team had previously decided on not addressing the rumors until a paternity test could be done, they had to face that avoiding the topic won’t work forever, people wanted answer.

They had a meeting in their hotel in Chicago a few days earlier and Drew, one of their PR guys had told them that they needed to do something soon if they didn’t want Louis to look like an irresponsible and insensitive father. They agreed on a small acknowledgement of the situation from Louis or the boys if the subject would come up in one of their upcoming interviews. They didn’t want to rehearse or plan the way the baby could be talked about, “ _it has to be somehow organic if we want people to start getting use to the idea_ ”, Drew had said.

 

 _\- To be honest, I’d prefer if the subject was blacklisted for my interviews,_ Niall had suddenly declared.

 _\- Why?_ Drew had asked, slightly raising his eyebrows.

_\- I’m not giving an interview, talking about my bandmates' private life. Never have, never will. I’m doing them to promote our music. That’s it. Plus, I’m not sure you’d want me addressing the subject honestly. My answers might not please you._

_\- Care to explain Niall?_ Louis was glaring at him, arms crossed over his chest _._

 _\- Let’s just say that they won’t have the excited uncle speech from me._ Niall spat. _Rather the “this baby is probably the fucking worst thing that has ever happened to our band and we are one member down” one. Or that as a congratulations gift I still think about chopping Louis’ genitals off._

 

The truth is they had released a new single and the welcome it had received was unbelievable, their fifth album was finished, their tour was going well. Everything they wished for after Zayn left was happening, but Harry and Louis were unable to actually rejoiced about it. Harry was too heartbroken, angry and constantly sick in his stomach to enjoy anything and Louis… well Louis was lost.

Nothing felt the same anymore and he didn’t know how to adjust. Of course he always had shared all the good news regarding the band with his bandmates, and he could still do that with Liam and Niall (well minus Niall maybe at this exact moment). But Louis missed sharing the excitement with the man he loved, he missed everything about Harry, to be honest. Missed the way his hair used to tingle his cheek when they were sleeping, missed the way they would sit indian style on their hotel room carpet and play scrabble or cards just like they were kids, missed holding Harry while he slept, missed kissing him, missed his laugh, missed the warmth of his body. He missed being on stage and know that his better half was there, next to him and knowing that they got to live their dream together, day after day.

He knew that slapping him was wrong, so wrong. But he always had reacted on pure animalistic instinct when people attacked his family and loved ones. And the truth is that that baby was maybe not his but when Harry had insulted Briana, he had felt so angry he couldn’t contain himself. Deep down he knew Harry had every right to be angry and that Louis himself would have been probably way worse if the situation had been reversed. Except the situation had never been the other way around.

Truth is Louis had cheated before, more than once. Harry didn’t knew about most of the stories. It was always the same thing, he would go out with his friends, get drunk and end up having sex with someone and then never seeing them again. He remembered one of the numerous conversations he had with Zayn about that, not long before he left the band.

 

_***** Flashback***** _

 

They were sitting on Zayn’s bed in his hotel room, Zayn came back from the club a while ago and Louis had just arrived, visibly disheveled after hooking up with a random girl.

 _\- That’s brilliant mate, I’m accused of cheating every single time I’m looking at someone and Perrie believes it but you can literally come back to Harry reeking of sex and he won’t say anything._ Zayn glared at him.

_\- That’s not…_

_\- Not what? True? Of course it is! Why are you doing this anyway?_

_\- Do what?_

_\- You know cheating on him._

_\- I… I… sometimes I just get insecure about myself, you know, and I need to reassure myself that people like me, that… I don’t know how to explain it…_

_\- People like you, Bro, we’re in a bloody boy band and we can’t take two steps outside without being mugged. People liking you isn’t a question, it’s more a fucking problem._

_\- Not like that Zayn, I meant I need to know that people like me, like they are attracted to me, on a physical level…_

_\- Louis, you’ve been in a relationship with like one of the most gorgeous men for almost five years. I mean the guy could literally go out today and ask if anyone wants to have sex with him and 90% of the population would throw themselves at him._

_\- I know… And that’s the problem. What if he wakes up tomorrow and realizes he deserves more than me, that he could be dating Brad Pitt or something?_

_\- First I’m pretty sure Brad Pitt is straight and happily married to Angelina Jolie. Second he chose you. In between any other human being on this earth, he chose you._

_\- I know…_

_\- No, you don’t understand. He loves you, for him you are the most beautiful, funny, sexy whatever guy on earth, I swear me and the boys are exhausted of hearing him tell us how incredible you are. He could be with anyone but the guy only had eyes for you since the day you met. He’s not going anywhere, he’s never gonna leave you for someone else. I swear to god, the guy could be in a room filled with naked models, he would find a way to tell them how incredible his boyfriend is._

_\- I know, I won’t do it anymore, I swear, I’ll stop._

_\- You better. He forgave you in the past but I’m not sure he’ll do it again. And imagine how he would feel if somehow you cheating was in the media._

 

**_***End of Flashback***_ **

 

Louis hoped Zayn was still here, he was sure he could use the wise advise his friend always had for him. But Zayn wasn’t here anymore, and he knew he couldn’t call him right now because it was the middle of the night in L.A. and Zayn was probably busy dealing with his own breakup. In the car driving him to the park where the show was going to be filmed, Louis suddenly realized that their band will definively never be the same anymore.

 

****

 

They were getting interviewed when the journalist brought the topic up. It wasn’t a question, just a father congratulating another father. Louis thanked him briefly and Harry felt sick. Hearing the man he loved and who betrayed his trust on every single level acknowledging publicly the fact that he'd soon be a father, with someone else, was harder than he could have imagined. It was as if someone was ripping his heart out and stomped onto it repeatedly. That was for him the breaking point, the moment he knew he couldn’t spend his life listening to Louis talking about his kid, that he didn’t want to be questioned about it himself and would have to lie about it and say how happy he was for his _“friend”_. Liam had talked about having the baby on tour with them next year during an interview when Harry couldn’t even fathom the idea of seeing Louis with it.

After the show, he asked to talk to Niall and Liam, privately. The three boys gathered at Harry’s new flat to have lunch together while talking.

 

 _\- I don’t know how to do it anymore,_ Harry said quietly.

 _\- Do what?_ Niall asked without looking up from his plate.

_\- The band._

_\- What do you mean,_ Liam asked, visibly concerned.

_\- I mean that it's too hard to be with him all the time now, so I don’t even want to imagine how it would be when you know…_

_\- When the baby is born, is that what you mean H.?_ Liam encouraged him.

 _\- Yeah, that._ Harry simply answered.

 _\- That won’t make a difference, that baby won’t be touring with us H. It’s not gonna change the band._ Niall exclaimed, looking pissed.

 _\- Of course it will change things Niall, Louis’ gonna be a dad and the baby will come on tour with us sometimes,_ Liam said, stating the truth with a soft tone. _H. I know it’s gonna be hard but we’re gonna be there for you. Maybe your family and friends could join you more often?_

 _\- It’s not that, Li,_ Harry answered in a whisper _, it’s not that I feel alone._

 _\- Then what, H.? What can we do for you?_ Liam asked.

_\- Nothing, there is nothing you can do. I just feel like I’m suffocating when I’m in the same room as him. I feel like being sick all the time and I can’t deal with it anymore. It’s been over a month now, over a month since I feel like breaking into a thousand pieces every time I think about him. I’m not sure I can go on without breaking completely. I feel like I’m drowning and like there is nobody to pull me out of the water. I just want it to be over. I just want the pain to stop. I want..._

 

Harry was close to crying and Liam and Niall were aware that the situation was hard for their friend but they didn’t measure how much Harry was suffering. Hearing their friend saying out loud how hurt he was was heartbreaking because they knew there was nothing they could do to make him feel better. They realized that Harry wouldn’t be able to get over the breakup, get better within the band. He needed some time by himself to process everything that has been happening the past few months.

They looked at each other and they knew they thought the same thing. Liam noded slightly and Niall said:

 

_\- You should take some time for you._

_\- How…_ Harry started.

 _\- Like, you could step out for a while go home, rest, see your family, golf. Then come back when you’re feeling better._ Liam explained.

_\- But what about the band? I mean we’re already a man down._

_\- We’ll be okay. Either we keep doing our stuff until you come back or we go rest too._

_\- I wouldn’t mind spending more time at home myself,_ Niall added.

 _\- What if this is the end for the band,_ Harry asked worriedly.

 _\- Then so be it. We had the time of our lives, we travelled the world and met each other. If this is the end for the band, I’m sure we all find something else to do with our free time,_ Niall reassured him.

 _\- I wouldn’t mind staying at home for more than a month, I think my dogs have forgotten about me,_ Liam joked.

_\- But you guys love our job so much, I don’t want to take that away from you…_

_\- We love our job, sure, but we love you more. We still can do music even if the band ends, but we’ll never find another curly head like yours,_ Niall cut him.

 _\- Take a break away from all this shit H., we’ll be there for you if you need us and we’ll be waiting for you when you feel better. The band isn’t more important than your health. You’re my little brother H., you come first. Always._ Liam said, taking Harry into his arms.

 

Niall joined the hug, they stood like that for a while. The moment felt like it was a goodbye. And it was in a way.

 

 _\- We need to get ready for Lottie’s party._ Harry said after a while.

 

His friends looked at him shocked and surprised.

 

 _\- Wait… you mean you’re going?_ Niall asked awkwardly.

 _\- Of course! Lottie has been working with us for a year, I’d go to any party thrown for one of our team members,_ Harry shrugged _, and she’s always been nice to me. I’ve always liked her and that’s not changing because of her brother._

 _\- Okay, then let’s go,_ Liam said cheerfully.

 

***

 

The show in Baltimore had just finished, they were all backstage, letting the high get down. Harry had talked to Simon over the phone before the show and to his surprise, the man hadn’t even tried to convince him to stay in the band. He'd understood and had told him to do what was best for him and that of course his spot will be waiting for him to return. He was now in his dressing room with people from their different teams who had been informed of his choice. Their teams had agreed that it was probably for the best and that Harry needed to announce the news himself to his bandmates and crew. Baltimore being the last show before a ten days break in the middle of the North American leg of the tour, it was the perfect moment to gather everyone and talk to them, Simon and Harry had decided.

 _"That’s it_ , Harry thought while the boys and the rest of their teams were entering the room. _That’s the moment everything could end"_.

Niall and Liam sat on the couch while Louis leant against the window frame, his eyes never leaving his phone.

The rest of the crew, their musicians, Lou and Lottie took a seat or stood against the walls. The little room was full and Harry felt bad for putting all these people, he had come to know and love, in risk of losing their jobs if the band ended. He looked at Niall who nodded with a small smile, took a deep breath and spoke up:

 

_\- Well, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for meeting me tonight. I know it’s been a long week and everyone wants to go home, so I’ll be quick._

 

Louis rolled his eyes and snorted out something that sounded a lot like “ _it’s not like we see each other everyday_ ”.

 

 _\- You’re all here because it’s something important,_ Harry continued pretending he didn’t hear Louis. _There is no easy way to say it, so I’m just going to get straight to the point. But first, I want to say that I really thought about it for a long time._

 

Louis lifted his head to look at Harry, he had an uneasy feeling in his stomach. Something wasn’t right. He took a look at the boys, to check if they were feeling it too but their faces were unreadable.

 

 _\- So I wanted to let you know that I made up my mind._ Harry said, cautiously avoiding Louis’ look on him. I _’m taking an undetermined break from the band, effective immediately._

 

His throat was tight, he knew it would be difficult to say but he never imagined how much. He didn’t know how long that break would be and he suddenly realized that he was potentially leaving the band for good. And not only the band but all he had known for the last five years. Two boys he considered to be his brothers. A touring crew that was family to him. He was also leaving the man he loved. For real this time. Niall and Liam stood up and enlaced him, like a rampart around him. Louis could only see his head doodling like a small child being comforted by their parents after a nightmare.

 

 _\- I’m so sorry for letting you down,_ Harry whispered.

 _\- You’re not. You need to do what’s best for you_ , Niall hushed him while stroking his hair.

 _\- Now is the time you get to put yourself first. It was about time. We told you, we’ll be fine,_ added Liam.

 

And then it hit Louis, they already knew. Liam and Niall knew what Harry was going to say before he even opened his mouth. They discussed it together without him, as if his opinion wasn’t important, as if he wasn’t even part of the damn band.

 

 _\- What does it mean for the band_ , Josh asked. _Are you like all taking a break or…_

 

Phil from their Columbia team answered, visibly having really thought about it.

 

 _\- We’re going to push back the rest of the shows until the end of the month. We’ll concentrate on the new album release to keep the fans and media busy. Then after that we’ll see if Harry is ready to come back and if not if the public would be okay with just the three of you or if it’s better for you all to take a break. You deserve one anyway, so_.

 _\- How will the public be okay with only the three of us? I mean that’s ridiculous._ Louis spat.

 _\- Less ridiculous than forcing H. to do it when he’s obviously exhausted and about to burn out._ Liam answered, pretty calmly despite being pissed by Louis’ comment.

 _\- We’re all exhausted, yet we’re not quitting. Because that’s selfish, towards the fans, towards our teams, towards each other. Thats’ not._. Louis added in the same angry tone.

 _\- Shut up Louis_ , Lottie cut her brother off, pointing an accusatory finger at him. _Harry is leaving because of you, so you don’t get to be an ass about it._

 

She got closer to Harry and took him in her arms, whispering in a soft voice

 

_\- Take care of yourself, and if you need me to do something, anything, all you have to do is ask._

 

Harry hugged her back, thanking her for being his friend regardless of the weird situation they were in.

One after the other, all the people present in the room said their goodbye to Harry, wishing him the best and telling him they hoped he would be back soon.

Soon, the room was empty apart for Louis and Harry. Louis looked at Harry’s back as he was exiting the room and couldn’t refrain himself from asking

 

_\- I don’t even get a goodbye, don’t I?_

 

Harry stopped for a second and then left the room without a word nor a look back. Left alone, Louis realized that for the first time in five years he didn’t know when he was going to see those bright green eyes again, or if he will ever get to see them in person ever again at all. And the mere thought of never seeing Harry again crushed his heart more than their breakup did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enormous "thank you" to the beautiful Julia who helped me decide where I wanted to take this story instead of sleeping and for being the best Beta on Earth!


	5. There was this one time, when things were okay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from 'Polaroid Picture' by Frank Turner.
> 
> Harry faints and gets bad news.

It’s been three weeks since Harry had decided to take a break from the band and he knew he had to talk to his teams soon to let them know whether he was ready to come back or not. He hadn’t seen Louis since the day he had left the stadium without a word for him. His mum and sister had joined him in L.A. and spending some time with his two favorite women had been great. Liam was in the UK, enjoying a well deserved break with his family and Niall had just arrived in California after a of couple weeks in Ireland. The three boys have been in touch constantly during these past few weeks and almost every member of their crew, including Lottie, had messaged Harry a few times too.

Truth be told, Harry was still very hesitant on what he was going to do regarding the band. He didn’t want to abandon Niall and Liam, of course, and he knew that if he decided to leave for good, the odds of One Direction continuing as a three-member band were more than slim. Being the one putting an end to their adventure seemed like a huge responsibility. Plus, he’d never doubted that he’d would miss being on stage with his friends a lot. On the other side he was aware that the band would never be the same again, with Zayn gone and the whole fucked up situation with Louis.

One Direction was bound to be a different group from now on, with a different dynamic, less organic, less easy, especially for him. The situation he was in wasn’t easy, because he’d never forgive himself if somehow he was to break Liam and Niall’s dream. But at the same time, he wasn’t sure whether he could stay in a band with Louis, who now was more than an ex-boyfriend for him. He was the incarnation of everything he ever loathed in a relationship, cheating, lying, and violence.

But slowly, things were actually starting to get better for Harry. He was still heartbroken, of course, and he knew he would be for quite some time, if not forever. He, however, had stopped feeling like he was breaking over and over again everytime he woke up and remembered what Louis had done. He was on his way to somehow make his peace with the fact that his relationship with Louis was irremediably broken, that there were nothing left, no love, no respect, no friendship. Gemma had helped him a lot through this process, which was actually very similar to grief. With his sister’s guidance, good advice and teasing - “ _That’s what big sisters are for, H._ ” - Harry was able to slowly admit that, while he would probably never be the same trusting guy he used to be, he would get better over time. That he had the right to be happy.

However, despite feeling less overwhelmed, he was exhausted all the time and the simplest movement was requiring for him to gather all his strengths. His mum was worried but the doctor had said that it was probably his body finally coping with the stress he had been put through for the last five years and had ordered Harry to rest as much as possible. Harry gladly obeyed, spending most of his time sleeping by the pool, only getting up for lunch or coffee from time to time, or to see one of his friends. Despite being so tired, Harry had the feeling that being away from the band, away from London and especially away from Louis was what he needed.

He loved the band and was very grateful for being able to do what he loved most for a living, being on stage. He also loved Niall and Liam very much and he couldn’t imagine never being on stage with his brothers again. Nevertheless, he felt that this break was like a breather after spending too long in apnea. He was convinced by now that this pause in their crazy lives will be the best thing that ever happened to them as a band, as friends. For once, instead of always thinking about what the public wanted, what was next to come in terms of shows, interviews, meetings or songs, the four boys were actually able to act more like any regular twenty-something year-olds, the money and advantage of being a celebrity aside. For the first time in forever, he talked to Liam and Niall on the phone and they didn’t talk work at all, but about their families, movies, food, sports or politics.

It was a beautiful afternoon so when Niall had asked him earlier if he was up to golf a bit, Harry had accepted right away. The two younger members of One Direction were also the only members of the band who enjoyed spending their free time golfing but they hadn’t had the opportunity to play together in a while. They both have missed being able to spend some time together, just as friends and not only co-workers. Doing something for fun instead of talking business.

They have been on the green for a couple hours, Niall had just played, signalising to Harry it was his turn. Harry was sat in the cart because he had started to feel tired a few moments ago but got up anyway to make his way over. Upon righting himself, though, he felt a wave of nausea and bone-crushing fatigue roll over him. Blindly reaching for anything to hold on to, he feels his knees give in, losing control over his body as he blacks out. Niall rushes over to him, calling out for him.

 

_\- Harry, mate? Do you hear me?_

 

Seeing that his friend wasn’t waking up no matter what he tried, he reached for his phone to call an ambulance. The paramedics took Harry to the hospital nearby after Niall explained what he knew of his friend’s health condition. Anne, warned by Niall, arrived at the hospital shortly after the boys.

 

 _\- What happened?_ she asked, worried.

_\- I don’t know. He just stood up and fell. He wasn’t waking up… I’m so sorry, Anne, I didn’t know what to do._

 

Niall started to cry, he’d been holding up since the incident but the concern for his friend overwhelmed him at last. He was scared.

 

 _\- Shhh, it’s okay, love,_ Anne soothed him, taking him into her arms, _you did the right thing by calling the paramedics. Has the doctor said anything yet?_

 _\- No, they took him somewhere but they didn’t tell me anything_. Niall managed to answer in between sobs.

 

As time went on, they sat in the small waiting room, waiting for news as Anne rubbed Niall’s back. The young man felt bad to be the one being consoled while her son may be in a grave condition.

Finally, after what felt like hours, the door opened and a doctor walked into the room.

 

 _\- Harry Styles’ relatives?_ he asked, holding his hand out.

 _\- I’m his mother._ Anne answered, shaking the doctor’s hand.

_\- I’m doctor Pratt. Harry’s awake and you’ll be able to see him in a moment, Mrs Styles._

_\- It’s Twist, actually. But thank god,_ Anne exclaimed, visibly relieved as she took Niall’s hand.

_\- But before that, I’d like to ask you a of couple questions._

_\- Why? Is there something wrong with him?_ Niall asked, fearing the answer.

_\- Has Harry fainted like that before, in the last few months maybe?_

_\- I don’t know…_ Anne turned to Niall, _Has he?_

 _\- No… not that I know of…_ Niall answered, trying to remember if he ever heard Harry say anything about fainting.

_\- And how was he feeling in general?_

_\- Exhausted. Harry had been stressed by both professional and personal matters lately. He’s been sick a couple times too,_ Niall outlined.

 _\- He’s been sick?_ Anne asked, looking shocked. _He never told me._

 _\- It was after…,_ Niall cut himself off, not wanting to overshare where it wasn’t his place. _It was when everything was so difficult for him,_ he said instead, giving Anne a meaningful look. She understood what he meant and nodded, her lips pressed together tightly.

 _\- I see,_ the doctor answered, writing something down on his sheet. _I’ll be honest, I’m a bit concerned. It isn’t normal for an healthy young man to faint like that. I’d like to run a few tests._

 _\- Sure,_ Anne said immediately. _Do you have an idea of what might be wrong with him?_

_\- Well, I can’t say anything certain without further examination, of course, but it could be some sort of anemia. Go see him now, I’ll talk to all of you in a bit._

 

Anne and Niall thanked the doctor and entered Harry’s room a little while after. He was laying in the bed, looking very tired and pale. His eyes were closed. Niall stood next to the door while Anne approached her son. She took his hand in hers and whispered:

 

_\- You scared the hell out of me, darling. Don’t ever do that again._

_\- I’m sorry, mum,_ Harry answered, his voice hoarse while he slowly opened his eyes.

 _\- Do you know where you are, sweetie?_ Anne asked her son while brushing a strand of hair behind his ear.

 _\- Hospital, fainted on the gree_ n, Harry said.

 

Anne nodded.

 

_\- You gave the poor Niall quite a scare, too._

_\- Oh shit, Ni.._

 

Harry tried to sit up in his bed but the irishman was quick to come to the bedside, pushing him back down.

 

_\- It’s okay, Haz._

_\- I’m sorry, Ni. I guess that wasn’t the kind of day out you expected when you called me this morning,_ Harry joked tiredly.

 

Niall shrugged.

 

_\- Nah, that’s okay. I was winning away so I think you did it on purpose to spare yourself the shame of losing yet again._

 

Harry laughed at that and fell into a lighter conversation. The three of them have been talking for a few minutes when the doctor came back into the room.

 

_\- Mister Styles, good to see you’re doing better._

_\- Call me Harry, Mister Styles is my dad,_ Harry answered lightly.

_\- Alright Harry, as I told your mum earlier, I’d like to run a few tests._

_\- Why,_ Harry asked, suddenly worried, _do you think there is something wrong_

 _\- Well, let’s not panic, but I do think that the reasons of your dizziness should be further examined, just to be safe._ The doctor explained in a calm voice. _I have a few questions to ask, maybe your mother and friend should wait outside._

_\- It’s okay, they can stay. There are no secrets between us._

_\- Fine. So first, was today the first time you fainted?_

 

Harry frowned, visibly concentrating to remember.

 

 _\- Fainted, no. Almost, quite a few times,_ he said after a while.

 _\- What do you mean by ‘almost’,_ the doctor asked.

 _\- Well there had been a few times where I felt like I was about to faint, but I just sat down and it passed,_ Harry told him.

_\- Hmm, was it linked to any specific action or movement, like getting up quickly for instance?_

_\- I think it happened more often after I had to do something like walking for a long time or being on stage._

_\- Okay. Have you felt any physical pain in the last few months?_

_\- My stomach hurts sometimes._

 

The doctor nodded and wrote something on his sheet.

 

_\- How would you describe that pain?_

_\- Well, it’s actually more like I’m being stabbed in the ribs, and it’s kind of spreading all the way to my right shoulder._

 

Dr. Pratt, frowned and scribbled something else down.

 

_\- How about your appetite? Any changes?_

_\- I haven’t eaten that much lately._

 

Anne, who had remained quiet until then, couldn’t help but ask.

 

_\- What do you mean by that? Why didn’t you tell me?_

_\- Mum, don’t worry, I’m fine._ Harry tried to calm her.

_\- You’re not fine, obviously, Harry. You’re at the hospital and now you’re telling me you’ve been feeling poorly for a long time but never said anything?_

 

She was visibly upset. Ever since Harry had left their home back then, Anne had been worried about her ‘baby’. Knowing he was so far away most of the time and that he didn’t have his mother to take care of him when he was sad, sick or just needing her, was very difficult for Anne. ‘He has Louis with him, Louis will take care of him’ had been a very comforting thought for almost five years. But after their breakup, Anne has been even more worried. She knew that Harry wasn’t alone. But still, being on the road and around his ex-boyfriend all time must have very difficult for her son.

 

 _\- I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be worried, mum,_ Harry said softly. _I wasn’t great, but I was okay, so I chose to not alarm you. Didn’t want you to get all mama bear on me._

_\- You should have told me anyway, sweetheart._

_\- Harry, I’d like you to tell me more about your appetite issue,_ Dr Pratt spoke up again.

 _\- My mum is going to be even more worried, doc,_ Harry joked _._

 _\- Tell the doctor. I’ll stay in line,_ Anne promised.

_\- Okay, so lately I’m not very hungry and when I do eat, I’m feeling full pretty quickly._

 

The doctor nodded again and Harry carried on.

 

_\- And I’ve also been feeling as if I was going to be sick quite often and I did throw up a few times, too._

 

Harry answered a few more questions before the nurse came in to take a blood sample. After that, Anne was allowed to take Harry home. The results were due a few days later and the doctor had explained that he would call him as soon as he got them.

 

***

 

After the blood analysis, Harry was called back to the hospital to go through a new series of tests and to answer more questions. The doctor never told him what his suspicion was, not wanting to alarm Harry for nothing if he happened to be wrong. The whole process took about two weeks and Harry had already warned his team that he needed a few more weeks to decide on what he wanted to do. Niall was calling him on a regular basis, wanting to be updated about his friend’s health. The two young men had agreed on not telling Liam about it before they had more information or a final result. None of them mentioned Louis’ name since not telling him anything being a given.

Harry had done a few imagerie tests that morning and the doctor was supposed to call to give them the results. The phone rang a few times while Harry was sleeping on the sofa so Anne answered the call.

 

 _\- Harry? Doctor Pratt on the phone,_ she said, gently nudging her son awake.

 _\- Hmmm…_ Harry mumbled, slowly waking up.

 

The conservation was short, the doctor wanted him to come to the hospital as soon as possible to discuss his health further. Hanging up, Harry had a sinking feeling in his stomach that the urgency in the doctor’s voice meant bad news. He explained the situation to his mum and they decided to go to the hospital straight away. Anne was of course extremely worried, too, but she had the feeling something was very wrong with him ever since Niall called her a few weeks back and all the tests Harry has been through lately weren’t to appease her mind, either. Gemma, sensing that neither their mum or her brother was able to drive at moment, offered to take them to Cedars-Sinai.

 

***

 

Two days later, Harry was in his living room, waiting for Liam to arrive who had been in L.A. for a few hours when Harry had asked him to come over for a bit so they could talk. The news were bad. Really bad. When he had heard it first he had been unable to react, too shocked to say anything. He had heard his mum sobbing and felt his sister squeezing his thigh but he was like frozen on his seat. He didn’t even remember leaving the doctors office and getting home.

He woke up the next morning and called Niall immediately, asking if he could meet him at the villa he was staying at. Niall came straight away, very aware of the condition his friend was in. Harry talking to Niall was hard but his friend didn’t cry. Instead, he shook his head no, as if he was refusing to believe what was happening while taking Harry into his arms. He told him he was gonna be okay, that there weren’t any other alternatives, that dying was not an option. Because Niall had known about Harry’s health issues from the start, he had had the time to think about what might have been wrong. And even if he could never have imagined what was really going on with his friend, he had known that the possibility of something serious was palpable.

Liam, however, had been kept in the dark and Harry didn’t know how he was going to tell him. He couldn’t ask “ _Did you had fun during your break? How’s Soph? Your parents okay? Oh by the way, I might die. Good to see you mate_ ”, could he? Apart from Niall, he hadn’t told anyone yet, his mum took care of telling the people who should know first like his dad, Robin and the closer family. Harry wanted to tell the boys himself because he didn’t want them to learn it from someone else or god forbid, the media.

Since they all had keys to each other’s houses, Liam let himself in and upon seeing Harry, he entered the living room with a bright smile on his face.

 

 _\- Oi mate, it’s been too long, I’ve missed you,_ he said cheerfully, hugging Harry tightly.

 

And without thinking, the younger man did exactly what he didn’t wanted to do and blurped out:

 

_\- I have cancer._

_\- What? Wait, I just thought you said you have cancer._ Liam joked.

 _\- I did. I have._ Harry answered quietly, maintaining eye contact with him.

 

Liam took a step back, still looking at him, hoping to find a sign he was lying, that it was just a very bad joke. But he found none. Instead he saw a storm coming. And no, that wasn’t happening, that couldn’t.

 

 _\- How? When? Wha-? But, I mean, you’re gonna be okay right?_ Liam asked frantically.

_\- I was golfing with Niall when I fainted a few weeks back and Ni took me to the hospital. They ran a lot of tests and two days ago, I went back to the doctor and he told me I have a liver cancer._

_\- But you’re gonna be okay, right? Like, you’re young and healthy and you’re gonna have the best doctors in the world, so you’ll be okay, right?!_ Liam asked again, worry written all over his face.

_\- I don’t know, Li. The doc needs to run a few more tests to determine the stage and stuff but I looked it up and the rates aren’t good, so…_

_\- How bad are they?_

_-The five year survival rate is around 15%, overall,_ Harry whispered.

 _\- That….. that’s… but…_ Liam couldn’t form a sentence, all he could think about was his friend and the threat that he was facing.

 

A few moments ago, he’d been so happy to see him again after a while apart and now, all he could think about was that maybe they were living on borrowed time. He felt the tell-tale burning in his eyes and eventually, tears started rolling down his cheek but he did nothing to stop them. ‘ _It’s okay to cry_ ’ his mum had always told him when he was growing up, ‘ _sometimes, it may be the only thing to do, when your heart is too heavy, and nothing can relieve your pain. Crying is good'_. And god, his heart had never been so heavy before. Until that moment, being told that Zayn was leaving the band had been the worst he ever had to go through. Now, though, now he was realizing that they might never be all five of them together again. That Harry might die.

Harry took him in his arms and let him cry on his shoulder, and Liam felt pissed at himself for losing it when Harry was so strong, to be the one being comforted when Harry was the one being sick. But Liam couldn’t help the tears falling, just as he couldn’t stop his heart from clenching. He cried for a long time. He cried because it wasn’t fair that something like that was happening to someone like Harry. Because he was powerless before it. He cried because he was angry at life, at fate, at god or whatever higher entity there was. Because he was scared to lose his friend. Because he was scared his friend would never have the chance to get married, have kids, grow old like he always planned on doing, like he deserved to do. He was scared because, at the end of the day, he was only a boy and that no matter how old, famous and rich someone can be, you never want to lose someone you love.

 

 _\- Who knows?_ Liam asked after a while, his cheeks still wet with tears.

_\- My family, Niall and now you._

_\- Okay._

_\- I’m going to talk to our teams tomorrow and I’d like you two to come with me if you don’t mind?_

_\- Sure. Whatever you want mate. If you ever need something, just ask._ Liam answered instantly.

 _\- I have something else to ask of you actually…,_ Harry started hesitant.

_\- Go ahead._

_\- It’s about Louis…_

_\- You want me to talk to him?_

_\- Well, actually, it’s the opposite. I don’t want him to know._ Harry said calmly.

 _\- H., are you sure? I mean, if it were me I think I’d like to know._ Liam tried to explain.

_\- No, Li. I don’t want him to know, because if he does, of course he will try to talk to me and I don’t want that right now. I can’t deal with that at the moment. I have the cancer to beat, I don’t have the time to deal with his anger, his guilt or whatever._

_\- Okay. I won’t say anything._

_\- Thanks._

_\- So, what are you gonna do now? I mean…The docs must have a plan, right?_ Liam asked.

 _\- First, they need to determine the stage precisely. Then, depending on the result, I’d either start a chemotherapy or a radiotherapy. I’ll probably need surgery as well._ Harry said, repeating what the doctor said during their last appointment.

_\- I’m here if you need me. You know that, right?_

_\- I know._

_\- I know you know, but I just want you to remember that if you need anything, all you have to do is ask. I can drive you to your appointments, do your grocery shopping, deal with our teams or protect you from the paps. Anything._

 

The two men talked for a bit longer before Liam had to leave to meet with a songwriter, even though he’d insisted he could cancel the meeting but Harry didn’t let him. As he was walking him out, Liam took him into his arms to hug him once more and whispered:

 

_\- You better be okay soon, okay? Love you, mate._

 

 

As he got in his car, Harry watched him leave, thinking “ _I’ll do my best. Love you too..._ ”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you to Julia for being the best beta in the world.
> 
> She also proposed this alternative ending: Harry tells Liam he's doing fantastic and that the doc didn't find anything wrong.
> 
> P.s.: Larry made up and made lots of happy babies. Liam adopted ten puppies. Niall married a golf cart. They lived happily ever after and had lots of golf ball babies.
> 
> P.p.s.: screw you liver cancer


	6. But I always thought that I'd see you again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor
> 
> Louis realizes that something isn't right with Harry and try to find out the truth.

Louis was in Doncaster, spending some quality time with his family and friends when the rumors started. And sure, it wasn’t anything new, the band had been targeted by the tabloids since the day it has been formed. Over the years, all the boys had been dead at least a couple of times, have been fighting, were ending the band, have been heartbroken, were sleeping around, to only name a few. Louis knew better than believing the media. But this time, he had a weird feeling in his stomach that something wasn’t right.

It had started less than a week after he received a short phone call from their management, shortly followed by an even shorter one from their label. They’d explained to him that Harry wasn’t able to rejoin the band at the moment and after having examined their options and the public opinion, they had decided that it was best for the band to go on a hiatus until Harry was ready to be back. Louis had asked why Harry wasn’t “ready” and whether they had an idea of how long this break would be. Both teams gave him the same answer: Harry had personal issues he needed to deal with, they wouldn’t discuss the topic any further, and, no, they didn’t have any timeline yet, even though they hoped everything will be soon taken care of.

At the time, Louis had thought that the problem Harry was having was probably related to him, their breakup, or his massive screwup. If Harry needed time, the last Louis could do was giving him that. He wasn’t stupid or delusional, he knew that Harry and him would never go back to being what they used to be. He went too far and he knew it. However, he couldn’t help but hope that they could at least be somewhat okay in the future so they could keep working together.

He hadn’t had any message from Harry ever since he’d left him alone in that dressing room in Baltimore. He hadn’t expected to have any so he wasn’t surprised. He knew that Niall had spent a lot of time with Harry and with both Liam and Zayn back in L.A., he figured that they probably did too. Louis never asked them anything about his ex and none of them mentioned him during any of their conversations. The only person he asked was Lottie, but she just answered _“it’s none of your business”_ , so he dropped it and didn’t try again. Weirdly enough he found himself looking up Harry’s name on the internet to know what he was up to. But Harry hadn’t been seen for a couple of weeks apparently. No lunch with one of his friend, no shopping, no night out, no coffee, nothing. It was like the younger man had disappeared from the surface of the earth entirely.  For five years, Harry has been the center of Louis’ universe, the first person he talked to in the morning and  the last before going to bed. They have never spent a day without at least speaking over the phone and texting. And now, he had absolutely no idea of what he could be doing.

When Harry was finally papped again, Louis couldn’t help but feel relieved to see his face, but that didn’t last long. According to the media, Harry has been spending a big amount of time in hospital. The tabloids were reporting that the young man was apparently visiting doctors on a daily basis. Soon enough, they started writing about struggles with addiction. The media were now wondering if the hiatus the band had announced a few weeks back was actually a way to give Harry time to go to rehab. Most of them were talking about drug addiction, cocaine to be precise. Some of them were reporting that the Cheshire lad had a drinking problem. _“Will Harry Styles follow the path of Amy Winehouse?”_ The Sun once titled. A few journalists also examined the option of Harry being a sex addict, because you know, he was the ‘500 girlfriends a year’ kind of guy. Of course, Louis couldn’t believe any of those theories. He knew the real Harry, he knew he wasn’t an addict to anything but music, sport, healthy food and, until recently, him. He wondered how Harry was reacting to those articles, how mad he was, whether he thought they were so ridiculous it was laughable.

He had thought that the journalists would drop the subject soon enough and jump to the next one like they usually did, but that didn’t happen. On the contrary, Harry kept being photographed going in and out of Cedars-Sinai. When one of his spokespersons told the media that they wouldn’t comment, the fans went crazy. Louis read numerous posts on Tumblr and Twitter, some of them explaining that if they didn’t comment, then it meant the rumors were true. Others were wondering if they weren’t hiding something bigger but most of them were stating that it was definitively a stunt set up by their PR team to keep the band in the media during their hiatus.

Louis himself didn’t know what to think of the situation, apart from the fact that Harry wasn’t in rehab for sure. He couldn’t help himself but to keep looking at the pictures, in search of answers. What he saw wasn’t reassuring him in the slightest. Harry looked positively exhausted in all the pictures. He was hidden behind sunglasses and a hoodie in most of them, but Louis knew him well enough to recognise the tiredness in his face nevertheless. He was pale and seemed to have lost some weight.  But the one picture that worried Louis the most was one of him apparently leaving the hospital where wasn’t wearing sunglasses. In his eyes, Louis could see worry and something else he couldn’t quite grasp. The fact that he couldn’t identify that emotion in Harry’s eyes was what terrified Louis the most, because it meant unknown, because it meant new. Louis felt, deep down, that something wasn’t right at all but he couldn’t put his finger on it. A few months back, he would have been the first to know what was wrong but now he was like a fan, studying pics and building theories and it drove him crazy.

After a few days, he took it upon himself and called Liam, in hope of information.

 

 _\- Hey Li, I’m not bothering you?_ He asked cautiously.

 _- Hi Louis, not at all! What are you up to?_ Liam answered cheerfully.

_- Not much, just spending time with the family. You?_

_- I’m throwing some lyrics on paper in between surfing and tanning._

_- Never thought you’d become some californian beach boy,_ Louis joked.

 _- Me neither._ Liam said, honest.

 _- Have you seen Niall and Zayn since you’ve been in L.A?_ Louis questioned.

_- I have. Seeing Nialler every other day and Zayn invited us to his new house. Sick place, mate!_

_- What about Harry?_ Louis asked, trying to sound casual but the way he was biting his lips betrayed his calm facade.

 _- Louis…_ Liam started in a warning tone. He didn’t want to talk about him with Louis.

 

They were both his friends and he was trying to remain as neutral as possible in order to not have to pick a side. Plus Louis had told him how his last advice went and Liam was somehow feeling guilty for it. If he wouldn’t have told Louis to go to talk to Harry, nothing would have happened maybe. Yes, his friends would probably still be broken up but maybe a little less broken.

 

-  _I just want to know if he’s okay. That’s all._

_-_ _Why?_

_-_ _Because I saw all those pictures Li, and he doesn’t look well in it. I know all those articles are bullshit but I’m worried, okay?_

_-_ _Louis, I can’t tell you anything._ Liam told him in a softer tone.

_-_ _Why’s that?_

_-_ _Because I promised it._

_-_ _To whom? Harry?_

_-_ _Innit._

_-_ _Okay. That means it isn’t good, right?_ Louis suggested.

 _-_ _I can’t tell, mate. Sorry._ Liam sighed.

 

They talked a bit longer and Louis didn’t try to make Liam talk about Harry anymore. He then called Niall, who was less friendly with him, having clearly picked Harry’s side. Finally, he called Zayn. Neither of them told him anything apart from _“I can’t tell you”_. He wasn’t angry at them for not telling him anything. He understood that they gave their word to Harry and he respected it. However, he couldn’t help but feel a bit hurt about being the only one kept in the dark.

One night, a couple of weeks after the articles had started rising, Louis woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and terrified. He had had a nightmare but couldn’t remember what it was about exactly. He knew, however, that it involved Harry. He couldn’t go back to sleep afterwards, he was too worried. What if it’s something serious? What if Harry needed him but was too pissed and proud to ask? What if he’d never see him again? In the morning, he booked the first flight he found for L.A.. He was going to see Harry. He needed to see him.

 

****

 

It was the middle of the afternoon when he parked his car in Harry’s driveway. He stayed put for a moment, suddenly unsure of what he was doing. He couldn’t just walk in and say _“Hey Haz, I’ve seen some rumors in the tabloids and I’ve decided to check on you”_. He knew there was a possibility that Harry wouldn’t even open the door or simply slam it in his face. He finally decided to man up and stepped out of the car.

The few seconds that passed in between the moment he rang and the moment the intercom made the recognisable beeping sound, opening the door, felt like hours to Louis. He was preparing himself to face Harry, to explain why he came. He was nervous of course. Suddenly the door opened and what he saw surprised him.

 

-  _Harry, love, did you forgot something?_ Anne said opening the door. The moment she saw Louis, her smile fell for a second, though. _Louis, what a surprise, what are you doing here?_

_\-  I… I came to see Harry but I take he isn’t here._

_-_ _He just left, you missed him by a few minutes._

 

Anne didn’t make any sign to let him in, so Louis, asked her.

 

_- Can I come in, please?_

 

Anne seemed to hesitate.

 

_- Please Anne? I won’t stay long, I swear. I’ll leave before Harry comes back, if that’s what you worry about._

_- Okay, just a moment though._ Anne finally caved in.

 

She was sure that if Harry knew she had let him in, he would be pissed. But the truth is that for almost five years, she had considered Louis to be a second son to her. She had loved him dearly and even though she was more than disappointed at him for his recent behavior and actions, she couldn’t shut the door in his face. She had watched him grow up from a loud teenager to an energetic man, she had advised him almost as much as she had done for Harry, she had observed him love her son, she had pictured them on their wedding day.

They sat in the living room, Louis noticing that apart from the pictures and the mess he used to leave, nothing had changed since their breakup. It was weird for him, being in the house he used to consider as his, sitting in front of a woman he still saw as a second mum, while knowing that everything was different now.

 

-  _Why are you here, Louis?_ Anne asked again in her signature soft voice.

 _-_ _Like I said, I wanted to talk to Harry._ Louis answered, running his hand through his hair nervously.

_-_ _You could have called._

_-_ _I needed to see him._ Louis confessed in a whisper.

_-_ _Why?_

_-_ _Because… Listen Anne, I know I screwed up. I know. But I’m worried about him._ Louis explained.

 _-_ _Why are you worried, love?_ Anne asked softly, the name of endearment leaving her lips by habit.

 _-_ _Because of the pics. I mean, I know that the media isn’t trustworthy ninety-nine percent of the time, but they say that Harry has a problem… and I saw the pics, and he doesn’t look good._ He said, biting his lips.

 _-_ _So you came to see if the tabloids were right?_ Anne asked visibly unimpressed.

_-_ _No… Well, kind of. I just wanted to make sure he was okay._

 

Anne didn’t answer. She was conflicted because she knew Harry didn’t want Louis to know what was happening with him, but at the same time she felt like, despite everything, he should know. That keeping him in the dark wasn’t right. Anne was very aware of what happened between Harry and Louis, her son had told her everything. And yet she thought that Louis deserved to know the truth.

Seeing that Anne was hesitant, Louis continued:

 

-  _I know that you don’t owe me anything. But I just need to know he’s okay. That’s all. I’ll be on my way right after._

 _-_ _Louis…_ Anne started softly, still thinking about how she could phrase it so it won’t be too brutal.

 _-_ _I know I screwed up, Anne, but he matters to me. A lot. Please._ Louis pleaded. _Just tell me he’s doing fine._

 _-_ _Louis,_ Anne said again, softly. _I shouldn’t, because it’s not what Harry wants, but I’m going to tell you. Not because you deserve it, but because I think you have to know. And because I think it’s better for you to learn it from someone you know and not some website or whatnot._

 

Louis could see sadness in her eyes, alongside with something else he couldn’t identify and it scared him. Suddenly he wasn’t so sure he wanted to know anymore.

 

 _- What should I know, Anne?_ He asked in a shaking voice.

 

Anne took a deep breath, closed her eyes.

 

-  _Harry is indeed spending a lot of time at the hospital. He is over there actually at the moment._

 _-_ _Why? What’s wrong with him?_ Louis asked frantically. Thoughts were flooding his mind as he was trying to think of every reasons Harry would have to spend time at the hospital, none of them being reassuring.

 _-_ _Louis, please, don’t interrupt me. You can ask all the question you want after I’m done, okay?_ Anne said.

 

Louis nodded.

 

-  _Last month, Harry collapsed while playing golf with Niall._

 _-_ _What?!_ Louis couldn’t help but blurp out, mind racing, stomach sinking.

 _-_ _He was taken to the hospital,_ Anne continued. _Everyone was concerned. Harry told us afterwards that he had felt poorly for quite some time. The doctor was worried it could be something more serious than just stress and exhaustion, so he ran a few tests. When we got the results, they were  bad, Louis. Very bad._

 

Anne started to cry softly, tears rolling down her cheeks and she didn’t do anything to stop them. It worried Louis even more. If Anne said it was bad, if Anne cried, then it could only mean the situation was very serious. In his head, Louis imagined what could be wrong. Was Harry depressed? Was he sick? Did he do something?

 

 _- What’s wrong with him?_ Louis asked, not sure if he was ready to hear the answer.

 

Anne looked at him and sighed.

 

-  _He has cancer._ She simply said.

 _-_ _No._ Louis answered, shaking his head vigorously. _No._

 

He was unable to form any other words in his mind. That wasn’t happening. It couldn’t. He could hear Anne still talking but it was as if she was miles away. He felt like everything was spinning around him. Like he was drowning. Like all the air has been pulled out of his lungs in less than a second. He imagined Harry, sweet, caring, loving Harry, being terrified, feeling helpless. He imagined him at the doctor, hearing the terrible news. He wondered whether he was alone during that moment. What his first thought had been when he found out.

 

-  _When?_ He just whispered. And Anne understood.

_- Almost a month ago._

 

Louis tried to remember where he was a month ago, what he was doing when Harry was diagnosed. He realized that he was probably sleeping or out with his friends and he felt sick. He probably had been enjoying himself when Harry’s life had been turned upside down. He knew it was stupid, but he felt guilty for having a nice time when Harry was so sick. He felt guilty because he hadn’t noticed anything. Because he wasn’t there for him when the other needed him. He felt tears streaming down his cheeks and he let them. After a while, he managed to talk again, even though his sentences weren’t complete.

 

_- But, doctor, right… He’s… Treatment?_

 

Anne understood his questions. She stood up from the armchair she had been sitting in and took a seat right next to Louis on the couch.

 

_- He’s being treated, yes. But sweetheart, this kind of cancer… It’s a nasty one._

_- It’s not because of me is it? You know, because I’m smoking?_ Louis suddenly asked her, more tears rushing to his eyes.

 

He just thought of it. What if he was responsible of Harry’s cancer? Harry was healthy, he didn’t drink too much, ate well, exercised plenty and never did drugs. Because he used to have asthma as a kid he never smoked either, only occasionally taking a drag on Louis’ cigarette. But Louis was a regular smoker. Quite a big one even. He thought back of all the times he smoked near Harry. In their car, in planes, dressing rooms, the bed. Harry used to complain  about it a lot, saying it smelled bad and that Louis was ruining his lungs and throat which was _“not the best idea for a singer”_. Could Harry’s cancer have been caused by his smoking habit? As far as Louis knew the only person who had cancer in Harry’s family was his grandma, and she was already old when she had gotten sick. So cancer probably wasn’t a genetic condition in his family.

 

 _- No, love,_ Anne reassured him, stroking his hand, _it’s not your fault. The doctors don’t know what caused it but they told us it wasn’t linked to tobacco, Des asked because like you, he felt guilty because of smoking around him._

 _- What kind of cancer is it?_ Louis asked in a small voice, realizing he didn’t know yet.

 _- Liver.  Stage three._ Anne answered, her lips trembling as she started to cry again.

 

Louis knew close to nothing about cancer but he guessed that stage three wasn’t good news, as far as it could be considered to be good news when it came to cancer.

 

_- What treatment is he having? Chemotherapy?_

_- Radiation for now._

 

Radiation sounded scary. Wasn’t radiation a problem? Louis was sure he saw a documentary about people dying after being exposed to radiations. But if the doctors used that as a treatment, it meant it must work, right?

 

 _- How is he responding?_ Louis asked after a few minutes.

 _- Not so much, actually._ Anne whispered. _He’s exhausted, feeling sick all the time, the doctors say it’s a common side effect but it’s not making it any less hard._

 _- He’s treated by the best doctors, is he Anne?_ Louis questioned, more to comfort himself than anything else.

 _- He is._ Anne assured him. _But they were honest with us. Harry has three tumors located in different part of his liver. One of them is difficult to reach and they can’t remove all of them surgically. His best chance is a liver transplant._

 _- A transplant?_ Louis repeated.

 _- Yes. Everybody in our family is getting tested. We hope Gemma will be compatible, it would be the best option._ Anne explained.

 

 _“Best chance”_ was on repeat in Louis’ mind. _“Best chance”._ Did it mean that Harry could die?

 

-  _He could._ Anne answered softly, her throat tight.

 

Louis hasn’t realized but he actually had asked out loud. Harry could die. Harry could just disappear from the surface of the earth. And then what? Will the world keep turning? Will people go on with their lives, slowly forgetting about him? He couldn’t imagine a world without Harry Styles in it. He didn’t even want to start thinking about what such a world could look like. Louis felt sick to his stomach. Like he couldn’t breathe. He wondered if Harry had felt the same when the doctor first told him that he had cancer. He asked without thinking and, above all, without wanting to know the answer:

 

_- What are his chances?_

_- The survival rate for liver cancer is around fifteen percent overall. It reaches seventy if the transplant method succeeds._

 

Seventy percent. It meant Harry still had thirty percent _“chances”_ of dying. And it was the best case scenario. Not reassuring in the slightest.

 

 _- What can I do for him?_ Louis asked.

_- Nothing._

_- I need to talk to him. He has to know I’m sorry._ Louis insisted. _I..._

 _- No,_ Anne cut him off _. What he needs now is peace. He needs to focus on getting better._

_- I want to be there for him._

_- Louis, Harry needs all his strength to fight this cancer. He needs his family, his friends. He can’t deal with you right now. He just can’t._ Anne explained.

 _- But I want to help him._ Louis countered.

_- I’m sorry, Louis, but my son comes first. Now more than ever._

_- I know. I swear I do. But I need to be with him. To be sure he’ll be okay._

_- What you need to do now, Louis, is preparing yourself to be a dad and to leave Harry alone._

 

It was the first time Anne mentioned the baby. To be honest, nobody ever was. Of course he was still talking to Briana and was getting updated about anything related to the baby’s health but none of his friends had shown any interest in baby talk. His family wasn’t as happy about the news as the media had reported and Louis himself wasn’t so thrilled about it, actually. He’d always wanted kids, sure, but he always thought he would have them with his husband or his wife. That the kids would be bringing them closer together, not breaking a five-year-long relationship with the first man he ever loved. Plus, the subject was still sensitive within the band, so Louis never brought it up. Suddenly, Louis realized that he was about to bring a new life into this world when Harry’s could end. It hit him that his kid could be born in a world where Harry Styles would be just a name. A memory. And the mere thought of it was unbearable. How could he live if Harry wasn’t? A world without Harry in it seemed too dark, too scary.

 

 _- I love him…_ Louis whispered.

 _- It doesn’t matter right now, Louis. Harry needs to focus on surviving. I can’t lose my son_. Anne said, choking on the last sentence.

 

Louis looked at her and saw all her pain in her watery blue eyes. He saw a mother scared to lose her child. She seems so fragile right now, crying. He hated himself for being so selfish when Anne could lose her son, when Harry could die. He knew she was right. At the moment, Louis didn’t matter. The fact that he still loved and probably always would love Harry was irrelevant. His guilt, his feelings weren’t important right now. Harry was all that mattered. Him getting better was the only important thing. He realized that he could accept never again seeing the green eyes he loved so much. Never touching his skin again. Never feeling his hair tickling his cheek again. Never having his lips on his again. Never seeing his smile again. Yes, Louis could accept never seeing the man he loved again, as long as he knew that he was living somewhere. As long as Harry was healthy and happy somewhere. Anne was right, Harry needed to focus on the positive and Louis wasn’t that anymore.

 

-  _I understand,_ Louis said after a while. _I’ll stay away._

_-_ _Thank you._

_- I’m gonna go now. I don’t want Harry to find me here._

_-_ _It’s probably for the best._

 

Anne walked him to the door. They hugged each other briefly and as Louis was about to leave, he asked:

 

_- Promise me you’ll let me know if something, anything, good or bad happens._

_- I promise._

 

Louis got into his car which had waited for him in front of Harry’s house. The driver drove away slowly and Louis started to cry silently, his forehead pressed against the cold window. He whispered under his breath, almost like a prayer, _“please, don’t let him die”._

 

_“Please save him.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you to Julia for being the most awesome Beta.
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos.


	7. And I am not frightened of dying, any time will do, I don't mind.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from ‘Great Gig In The Sky’ by Pink Floyd
> 
> Harry makes peace with the situation. It's not that easy for the people around him.

That September morning was a quiet one, the sun was already up and Harry was sleeping on a chair on the terrasse. He looked peaceful, almost rested. Anne came out of the house, a steaming teacup in her hand. She adjusted Harry’s blanket and tucked a strand of hair back behind his ear She stood there for a long time, just watching her son lying down in the sun. If she didn’t know better she could have thought that nothing had changed. That everything was fine again.

But It wasn’t. A few days prior, they had received the news they didn’t want to hear. The one they had feared ever since the doctors had told them that Gemma wasn’t a match and that they now wanted to test the rest of the family. She remembered squeezing Des’ hand when the doctors had broken the news to them. They hadn’t been particularly close ever since their divorce, but at that moment she had needed the support of her children’s dad. She remembered the crushing guilt at not being a match herself, holding Gemma while she let out her anger, Robin’s soothing hand on her shoulder. She also remembered Harry and how strangely calm he had been. She had wondered if he even understood what these few words meant. Of course he did. Harry always knew what those words meant. He always believed in their power, on how they could change someone’s life, what meaning they carried with them. His life had always been rhythmed by words; the ones he wrote, the ones he sang, those that were spoken to him. Somehow, the most important things that happened to him held in three little words. Three words that changed his life for better, and lately for worst. _“You’re through”, “Live with me”, “I love you”, “She’s pregnant”, “You have cancer”, “No match found”._

The last ones were particularly harsh to accept for everyone around Harry. For all who loved him, those three words meant that the idea of Harry getting better was slipping further away. And yet, Harry himself had surprisingly accepted them without a fight. Almost with relief. People say that every person going through grief or a loss experiences five stages, and Harry had been mourning his life since the moment he had learnt the diagnosis. He had first refused to believe it. Denial. He had then prayed to god and promised to make his life count if he was given the chance to survive. Bargaining. When the doctors had told him that he wasn’t responding to radiotherapy or any other form or medicamental treatment, he had become furious, not at them, but at life, at god, at the universe. Anger. When he had learned that Gemma wasn’t a match either, he stayed at home, not having the strength in him to do anything but sleep and cry. Depression. Weirdly enough, hearing that they hadn’t found a match within his family, and that thereby his chances of overcoming his cancer were drastically low, had been what had made him reach the last stage. Acceptance. Somehow, Harry has come to accept his fate. To be at peace with it. Of course, he wished it could be different, but he was now coming to terms with his approaching death. Without telling anyone, he had contacted his lawyers, explaining he wanted to put everything in order, make sure his family would never lack anything, that everything would be taken care of. Knowing that it was dealt with, that he was at least able to make sure his loved ones would be safe soothed him. He had also met his medical teams and set things up with them. He asked that if it ever came to that point, they wouldn’t take any desperate measures.

Instead of focusing on what he would never do or have, Harry chose to be grateful for what was given to him. He was grateful he had the most amazing parents on earth, who supported him in all his choices, who loved him without limits. He was grateful he had the best sister possible, talented, beautiful, smart and nice. He was glad to know that they could count on each other when he would be gone. He thanked his lucky star, or whomever was responsible, for putting four strangers on his path. Together, they had done what they could never have dreamed of. His boys were his brothers, a second family, and he would cherish the memories they made together until his last breath. He was proud that, in his short time on earth, he had been able to touch so many people, to make them smile, be happy and he dared to think, had made their lives better, at least for the duration of a song. He had had the chance to know incredible people, to call them his friends, his family, and for that he was eternally grateful.

And then there was Louis. And god knows even thinking of him was painful, but in his life, Louis was still definitely on the “good” side. Who gets to say that they met their soulmate at sixteen? Harry did. He got to meet him, love him and be loved in return. Sure, they didn’t get their fairytale ending. Now, they never would. But at least he knew what love was. Real love. The one that takes you by surprise and upends your life. The one you can’t resist. The one that breaks you when it’s gone. Harry had accepted that he would never go back on stage, go on _lads holidays_ with his boys, see his sister get married, have kids of his own. He had accepted the fact that he would never fall in love again. And accepting it all had changed him. People around him saw he was more serene, they asked him about it but he never answered, frankly, shrugging the question off with a smile or a hug. He knew that they wouldn’t understand. How could they? He was 21, at the top of the world, with so many things he could achieve, so much to offer and to give and yet, he was ready to die. Accepting of the fact he was. Nobody could understand and he knew it.

Later that day, they were all sitting in the living room, comfortably installed in the couch. The TV was playing, the sound almost turned off, but nobody cared, they weren’t really watching anyway. Gemma was scrolling through her phone, frowning at something she didn’t like. Robin and Des were playing chess and Harry was laying with his head on Anne’s knees. She was reading, her book in one hand while the fingers of the other were running through Harry’s hair. He looked at his family, a picture perfect he thought.

 

\- _I met my lawyers this week_ , he murmured, breaking the peaceful silence.

 

Gemma looked up from her phone, frown deepening.

 

 _\- Why?_ She asked in an almost harsh tone.

 _\- Because I had stuff I wanted to take care of._ Harry answered, shrugging lightly.

 _\- What kind of “stuff”, son?_ Des asked looking at his son over the rim of his glasses.

_\- You know what I mean, Dad._

 

And Des did.

 

**_*Flashback*_ **

 

A few days earlier, Harry had come to him while he was reading near the pool. Harry sat down, dipping his toes in the water.

 

_\- Dad?_

 

Des looked up, and hummed.

 

_\- I was wondering, did Nana make a will?_

_\- Why are you asking, H?_

_\- Because, you know, when she died, it seemed like everything was prepared… smooth._

_\- She had, H. Your Nan knew she didn’t have much time left and took care of everything. She wanted to make it as easy as possible for us._

_\- When I die, who’s gonna get my things?_ Harry asked his dad in a whisper, not looking up.

 

Des looked at his son, his throat tight. Harry looked so young in his jumper and shorts, playing with the water with his feet. He barely looked older than a kid, hair pulled in a bun. Harry was still a baby, and yet they were talking about him dying. It was so unfair, Des wanted to scream. He remembered when he had first been told, how he had pleaded the universe _“Please take me instead, I’m old, I almost lived it all. Don’t take my son. Let me do that for him.”_

 

_\- Your Mum and I. That’s how it works. When..., if someone doesn’t have kids, then their stuff goes to their parents, then their siblings, then their nephews, then their cousins. That’s how it works, son._

 

Harry turned to look at his dad, his green eyes shining, so similar to his grandmother, a sad smile on his lips.

 

_\- Okay. What about the Godchildren? Do they get something? What about friends?_

_\- They don’t, legally. Of course they can ask the legal heirs, but usually the simplest and safest way is to put it down in a will._

 

 _“Oh my God!”_ Des thought _“It’s not happening. I’m not talking to my 21 year-old son about his will. Please wake me up”_. He felt tears rushing to his eyes. His throat was now too tight to talk.

 

_\- So, how am I doing that? The will thing?_

 

Des screamed internally.

 

_\- Am I just talking to my lawyers?_

 

Des couldn’t answer, he just nodded.

 

_\- Okay. Thank you._

 

They sat there for a while. Harry playing with the water and Des looking at him. They didn’t talk. They didn’t need to.

 

**_*End of Flashback*_ **

 

_\- So, I want my clothes to be given to charity. You can keep whatever you want of course. My guitars are for Ed and Ni. You can do whatever you want with the art, apart from the painting Zayn made for me. I’m giving it to Brooklyn. I’m also giving that painting I bought in New York last fall to Zayn. He helped me choose it. Let Li choose one of my cars to keep. I know he always liked my old Ford Capri, for instance. I put my London flat under Lux’s name and I would like for you, Gems, to have this house, because I know you always liked it here. I’m leaving my part of the Primrose Hill house to Louis. It’s his house too, after all. For the rest, I trust you, Mum and Dad, to do what’s best._

 

Harry spoke very fast. Barely stopping to breathe. He needed to say it. He couldn’t look at his family but he felt Anne’s body stiffen under his head and one of her tears landed right next to his ear.

 

 _\- I have this trust set up. It’s for Lux, and I created another one for your future kids Gems._ He added after a few second of silence.

 _\- Why are you doing this Harry?_ Gemma asked angrily. She stood up suddenly, looking at her brother.

_\- Because I want to make sure you guys will be okay._

_\- Okay? Okay!? We’re not okay, Harry!_ Gemma yelled at him.

_\- Gems…_

_\- Don’t, Harry. You can’t tell us, “oh by the way, I sorted out my will this week” and expect us to be okay with it._

_\- Gemma...,_ Des started.

_\- No, Dad. You didn’t need to write up your will, Harry. Because, guess what, you’re gonna fight and win! Okay? That’s the only option. So you know what you can do with that stupid will of yours?_

_\- I’m guessing I can put it in a place I’d rather not._ Harry tried to joke.

 _\- Stop it._ Gemma said, pointing an accusing finger to her brother. _That’s not a joke. I’m not joking._

 _\- I know. Neither am I. I’m gonna die_ , Gemma. _I’ve accepted it. I know it’s rough, but… Maybe you should too._

_\- Never. And don’t you dare saying that._

_\- It’s the truth, though. And knowing that I did everything I could to make it easier on you guys is important to me. That’s all I can do._

_\- No. You can fight. You’re stronger than that._

_\- I’m really not, Gemma._

_\- So what? … You expect me to sit on that damn couch and watch you die? Wait until this fucking house is mine? I liked it here because we’re together, knobhead. I'll hate it when you're gone! You want me to thank you because you put aside money for some kids I might never have? Congratulations! I don’t give a shit, if you’re not here._

_\- Gemma, kitchen. Now!_ Anne said, getting off the couch.

 

As soon as the two women were in the kitchen and the door was closed, Anne started talking with her soft voice.

 

_\- Don’t be like that with your brother, sweetie. He’s trying to do what’s best for everyone._

_\- He’s not, Mum,_ Gemma answered.

 _\- Gemma, your brother needs us, his family, to be here for him not matter what. Now more than ever._ Anne tried to explain.

_\- He’s letting go._

_\- He’s preparing us for the worst, that’s it._

_\- I don’t want to be prepared for that, Mum. I don’t want to be ready to lose my brother. How can we ever be ready to lose him, mum?_

_\- We won’t be. Of course we won’t be. But he needs us with him, not against him. He needs our support and that’s what I’m going to do. Support him._

_\- But don’t you see what he’s doing? He’s giving up._

_\- Gemma…_

_\- No! He’s giving up and you’re all telling him it’s okay._

_\- Sweetheart…_

_\- It’s not okay, Mum. He can’t let go. He can’t._

_\- Gemma, love, I know you’re upset. I know it’s hard. Trust me, I do._

_\- Mum…_

_\- No, let me explain. I’m not telling him it’s okay to let go. I’m just here for my son. Because, love, sometimes that’s the only thing you can do for your children. From the moment I knew you and your brother were here, growing in my belly. From the very moment I first held you in my arms, I knew that all I would ever do is be here for you. Love you, support you, guide you, comfort you. I wished that your hearts would never have to be broken. I hoped you’d be happy everyday of your life. I dreamt you’d succeed, always. But most of all, I prayed for you to be safe. But even when you try your hardest, sometimes life doesn’t go the way you planned. And of course I want him to fight. Of course I want him to get better. As a mum, your biggest fear is to lose your children. That’s something you don’t even want to think about, but it’s here anyway._

_\- Mum…_

_\- Ever since he left the house back then, I’ve been so scared I wouldn’t be here for him when he needs me to. He’s my baby Gemma. You are my babies. I..._

 

Gemma took her mum into her arms, and let her cry.

 

_\- No matter what, my job as a mum is to be here for you when you need me. And right now, your brother needs me to hold his hand and for me to tell him it’s okay to be tired. It’s okay. That he did what’s best. Even if it’s not. Because of course, Gemma, it’s not. My little boy is dying and there is nothing I can do to help him. And he needs you too._

_\- I can’t, Mum. It’s too hard. It’s…_

_\- I know it is, Love. I know._

_\- He’s Harry. He’s my best friend. I…_

_\- And you are his. And that’s why he needs you. He’s so scared, he needs his family. Can you do that for him? For me?_

_\- Mum… I… I love him so much, and…._

_\- He knows that, but tell him again. Tell him everyday. I know I will until the very end. And I know it’s not fair. And I know it’s scary but all we can do is love him even harder and pray it’s enough._

 

Mother and daughter took a moment to gather themselves before joining the men back in the living room. Anne slid her arm around Robin’s waist and looked at her children while Gemma walked to the couch, sat next to her brother before hugging him tightly, whispering into his ear. _“I love you. So much.”_

 

*******

 

The next few days went by quietly and before they knew it, it was Niall’s birthday. The irish lad didn’t really want to celebrate, because obviously his heart was too heavy for that,. However, Harry, alongside with Liam and Zayn, decided that the boy deserved a real party. “Because it’s probably my last chance to celebrate something with you guys” was left unsaid, but they all got it anyway when Harry insisted so much. They chose to make it almost like their end of tour parties: the teams, the crews, the boys, their friends and families. By now, everyone knew about Harry’s condition. Harry had asked their team to warn them when he learnt that they hadn’t found any match. Harry had requested that nobody let his health ruin the mood and that they’d all pretend, just for a night, that nothing had changed.

Liam was the one who brought up Louis. Zayn and him felt like it wasn’t right to keep him out of Niall’s birthday, because, despite everything, he was still part of the band. Harry had reluctantly given his okay, stating that, in any case Louis had to be told about his health, and that he wouldn’t be talking to him at all at the party. Liam and Zayn shared a look at his words. They both knew that Louis was already aware of the situation, the Doncaster boy had called them a few days after he had learnt the news from Anne.

 

**_*Flashback*_ **

 

 _\- I know about Harry._ Was all he said, in lieu of a “hello”.

_\- How?_

_\- I_ _went to his place. Anne was there. She told me._

_\- Louis…_

_\- I know, Li. I know._

_\- I’m sorry?_

_\- About what? The fact Harry could die? The fact I screwed up so bad I can’t be here for him?_

_\- Louis…_

_\- No, I’m the one who is sorry. I’m…_

 

Louis started to cry and sure, Liam was still pissed at him for what he did, but hearing his friend sobbing broke his heart a little.

 

_\- Louis, mate, he’s gonna be okay. He has to._

_\- But what if he isn’t? What if?_

_\- We can’t think like that. He needs our positive thoughts._

_\- It’s fucking cancer, Li. Our positive vibes won’t cure him._ Louis spat.

 _\- I’m not saying it will, Louis._ Liam sighed. _But it won’t hurt to do it anyway._

_\- It’s Harry, Li. It’s Harry._

_\- I know, mate. I know._

_\- No, you don’t. You don’t. Because you haven’t been in love with him for five fucking years, Li._

_\- Louis…_

_\- No. You never had him the way I did. You…_

_\- Mate…_

_\- I could lose him forever and never even get a chance to apologize. He’s everything to me. After all that happened lately between us, he’s still everything to me. He could die without knowing how fucking sorry I am._

 

Louis stopped talking for a while, Liam could still hear him breathing on the phone, but to be honest he didn’t know what to say to him so remained silent as well.

After a long moment without a word, Louis finally asked:

 

_\- Could you do me a favor?_

_\- Depends._

_\- Could you please keep me updated on Harry’s state?_

_\- Louis, I can’t._

_\- Why?_

_\- I promised him. We all did. He doesn’t want you to know._

_\- But, Li…_

_\- No Louis, I’m sorry but I gave my word._

_\- Anne told me she will let me know if something happens._

_\- So, why do you ask me?_

_\- Because I’m afraid she won’t tell before it’s too late, and… I don’t want to know all the details, Li, but I need to have some news on a regular basis. I need to know._

_\- I’m sorry, mate. I can’t._

 

**_*End of Flashback*_ **

 

Niall and Zayn had received the exact same phone call, and they had both said the same. All three of them knew that Louis’ concern was genuine, but they all felt that they owed it to Harry to respect his wish. And now, the five of them were in the same room for the first time ever since Zayn had left the band. It was only a few months ago, but it sure felt like ages. Harry stayed on the couch the entire night, people taking turns to talk to him in small groups. From the corner of the room where he stood, Louis could see Zayn, Liam and Niall sit next to Harry. They seemed to be talking, rather quietly, given the fact that they were in the middle of a party. Harry was smiling, for anyone else that smile could have looked like a real one, a happy one. It didn’t fool Louis, though. He noticed how his eyes didn’t crinkle. How the corners of his mouth weren’t quite curling the right way. Louis had to fight the urge to walk over to him, take him into his arms and run a soothing hand through the younger man’s hair. After a while, the boys got up and went to talk to some of the guests, Louis kept watching Harry from afar. He observed him as his smile finally faltered, and Louis saw him. The real him. The tired one. But what made Louis shiver was the way Harry was looking at the people present in the room, how he let his look linger on everybody. This made Louis’ blood freeze because he knew that look. He’ve seen it on Harry every time he had to leave a place he loved. He’d seen it at the end of the X-Factor, when they’d left the house. He’d seen it when they moved out of their Friern Barnet’s place. He’d seen it at the end of each tour when the team was leaving. Harry had explained to him once that he liked to take one last lingering look before leaving a place, parting ways with someone. He told him he needed it to say goodbye. And at that moment Louis understood. Harry was saying goodbye.

He kept looking at him, feeling the tears pooling in his eyes as he realized that this wonderful man he once had the chance to call his, was currently, silently, saying goodbye to all their friends, without them even knowing it. Harry turned his head slightly and as he saw Louis he stopped moving. Their eyes locked. Then Harry looked at him the same way. As if he was trying to draw a mental picture of him, to commit this moment to memory. That look burnt Louis like a thousand suns. He couldn’t bear standing here, letting Harry say goodbye. _“If I don’t give him the time to look, then he can’t say goodbye”_ Louis thought as he ran away.

 

**_****_ **

 

The party was over now, everybody had left, including Zayn. Robin, Anne, Des and Gemma had gone to bed. Harry, Niall and Liam were now alone in the garden. They were lying down on the grass, trying to find the stars, which was difficult, given the fact that L.A.’s night was polluted with so many lights.

Liam couldn’t help but remember the night they did the same, what felt ages ago. It was the first night they spent at Harry’s. Before bootcamp. Before fame. When they were only five teenagers who just met and shared nothing but a dream. So many things had changed since that day. He knew that if somehow someone would have come to those five kids that night and told them that, in less than five years, they would have four number one albums, countless number one singles, toured the world, be friends with celebrities and be as famous as the royal family, they would have been laughed at for sure.

If two years ago, someone would have come and told them that Zayn would leave the band, they would have called them crazy. If six months ago, someone had told them that Louis and Harry would be broken up before the end of the summer and that Louis was about to be a dad with some girl’s child, they would have called the police on that insane person. If three months ago someone had told them that Harry would have cancer and a very slim chance of survival, they wouldn’t have believed it. Not possible. Not a chance.

Liam suddenly felt Harry getting up next to him.

 

 _\- Where are you going?_ He asked _._

_\- Need to grab something._

_\- Do you want me to go?_ Niall asked, propping on his elbows.

 _\- No. I’ll be back in a second._ Harry told them walking towards the house.

 

Indeed, Harry came back very quickly. He sat down next to Liam again and handed him something, saying quietly:

 

_\- This is for you guys._

 

Even in the darkness, with only the lights of the city and of the house to light up the garden, they recognized it immediately. It was the notebook Harry always carried with him. The leather cover was worn out by having been held, opened and closed so many times. There were scribblings on it. Quotes from Harry’s favorites books, small drawings.

 

 _\- Why?_ Liam asked, taking it cautiously.

_\- There are a few songs - well not really songs, more like random lyrics - I wrote in it, and I thought you could use them, you know, later._

_\- What do you mean by later?_ Niall asked, fearing the answer.

 _\- When I’m gone,_ Harry answered simply. _They’re not very good, but I’m sure you could do something with it. It could be a start or something._

 _\- Harry, you’ll..._ Liam started in a weary voice.

_\- Li, listen. I know what you’re gonna say. Don’t. I’m not getting better. But I want you guys to have it because I want you guys to keep doing music. Together. Can you promise me that?_

_\- Harry…_

 

Niall didn’t know what to say, so he just squeezed his friend’s knee. Like a silent _“I’m here”._

 

_\- I mean, you don’t have to use any of this, but I don’t know, I just thought you could at least use it, for inspiration._

_\- We won’t be able to carry on. Not without you._ Liam whispered.

_\- I know it won’t be the same. I’m not expecting it to be. I know that’s just too much, going from five to three members in the span of a year. But please never stop writing music, never stop singing. Please._

_\- H. I don’t know…_ Niall was crying, tears innonding his blue eyes. _I’m not sure I could._

_\- Please, Ni… The best moments in my life have been with you guys, creating music, being on stage. I know they’re yours, too. Please don’t stop because I’m not here anymore._

_\- We won’t be a band anymore, right?_ Liam asked, almost for himself.

 

Harry nodded. He watched tears rolling down his friend’s cheeks. They all thought about it of course, but until now none of them ever dared to say it out loud. Just like saying the actual words was going to make it real. Continuing without Zayn had been difficult, because that band was something they created the five of them together. A dream they shared. But they talked about it. Together, and they all agreed that the four of them were strong and willing enough to carry that dream on. But this wasn’t the same. Harry wasn’t just leaving the band. They wouldn’t have the possibility to meet him after a show, backstage of some event, or just for a lads night out. Harry wouldn’t be a phone call or a few-hours-flight, away. And that changed everything.

With Zayn, they understood that he needed to leave because the band wasn’t his dream anymore. That he had new dreams he wanted to realize. It took them a while, but they got it now. It was different to let someone move on, go after something new. Because there was an _after._ But with Harry…

Someday the studios wouldn’t be filled with his loud laugh anymore. None of them could fully understand and comprehend what their lives would be like, when Harry wouldn’t be there to insist on them at least trying that weird food that was supposedly healthy but sure looked like nothing good. When his voice wouldn’t join theirs anymore. Liam wondered, at that moment, how long it would take him to stop grabbing his phone to call or text every time he’ll hear a lame joke or bad pun. Niall was sure he would think _“Harry would wear those curtains as a shirt”_ every time he’d see a home decoration show on the telly. They knew that somehow they’d always wait for him to show up every time they’d all be together. They knew that they would never be the same after that. And that scared them all.

 

 _\- I’m not even sure we’ll ever sing together again._ Niall stated sadly.

 _\- You mean all together?_ Harry wondered.

_\- No. I mean… You know. After._

_\- I hope so._ Harry answered.

 _\- I don’t know. I don’t think I would be able to. It just won’t sound right._ Liam said, looking Harry in the eyes.

_\- I hope you do. Because every time you guys will be together. Singing. I’ll be right here with you. And I hope you’ll all remember how happy I was with you guys. How I loved every single one of our voices. How I loved how they melted together. And yes, I won’t be there to sing with you guys. My voice won’t be joining yours anymore. But I’ll be there. In the silences you’ll take to breathe. And in those silences, I’ll still be there with you._

 

Liam was holding the notebook like it was a lifeline that prevented him from drowning. Harry took a deep breath and added:

 

_\- Make sure Louis keeps writing and singing too. He’s too talented to just stop._

 

Liam and Niall just nodded, incapable of speaking.

The three men remained silent. Not even looking at each other, staring at the sky with tears in their eyes instead.

 

 _\- I’m gonna miss it so much._ Harry said after a while.

 _\- What?_ Niall asked.

_\- Being with you guys. Writing music. Being on stage._

 

 

_“Being alive.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait, work doesn't like me writing fics (or sleeping).
> 
> Massive thank you to Julia and Alice for being the best betas ever.
> 
> Leave a kudo, drop a comment if you liked that chapter.


	8. Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though it's breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Smile" by Nat King Cole.
> 
> Louis has a nightmare.

\- _No!_ Louis yelled, reaching for Harry. But Harry was gone, lying still in this too quiet hospital room. He was too late. He felt his heart break into a million tiny pieces. It was like all the air had left his lungs. He was suffocating. _‘Is it possible?’_ he thought. _‘Is it possible that I’m dying from heartbreak?’_

 

As he was collapsing, Louis suddenly woke up, trying to catch his breath. He immediately reached for his phone. No messages.

A nightmare.It had only been a nightmare. He had a lot of those lately, never exactly the same but always ending in the same way, Louis being too late to say goodbye and feeling like dying. As he was finally putting himself together, he noticed that the sun already seemed to have risen high in the sky, judging from the light peaking through the heavy black curtains.

A couple of weeks after Niall’s birthday had passed but the memory of the look on Harry’s face kept haunting him, keeping him up every night. It had him falling asleep at dawn only but even then, his sleep was never peaceful. As he was stretching his still numb body, he heard the twins babble somewhere in the house. Jay had arrived a few days prior with Ernest and Doris but the girls had to go to school so Dan had stayed in Doncaster with them. Louis hadn’t had to ask his mum to come over. He had just called her the day after the party and she knew he needed her. Without any hesitation, she had taken the first flight to L.A.

Finally getting up, Louis made his way to the kitchen, spotting his siblings playing happily in the living room. Jay was turning her back to the door when he entered the room. She was on the phone so Louis decided to not make his presence known just yet. However, he couldn’t help but listen to her conversation.

 

 _\- And what did they said… mmh… oh, that’s awful_. She murmured.

 

Louis wondered who she was talking to.

 

_\- And how is he taking it?... And you? How are you holding up, dear?... I can’t even imagine what it’s like… I mean… that’s terrible._

 

Whoever his mother was talking to, they obviously had received bad news.

 

_\- I’m in L.A. too. If you need me, just call me, okay? We could go to the spa, have a drink. Whatever you need. Just to change your mind for a bit._

 

That person was here, then. Louis mentally reviewed the people his mum knew in L.A. but couldn’t figure who that was. At that moment, Doris started to cry.

 

 _\- Anne, I have to go, the kids need me. I’m calling you back later, dear._ Jay said before hanging up.

 

Anne. His mum was talking to Anne. It suddenly hit him that she probably has been aware of Harry’s condition long before him. Then he realized that what he just had heard from this conversation sounded very alarming. He was about to go back to his room when his mum turned around, probably to go check on Doris.

 

_\- Louis, love, I didn’t realize you were already up._

_\- I … That was Anne? Right?_

_\- Anne?_

_\- On the phone, mum. You were talking to Anne, weren’t you?_

_\- Yes._

_\- What did she say, mum? You were talking about Harry, I know it._

_\- Louis…._ his mum started.

_\- Tell me what she said mum._

_\- I can’t tell you._ Jay sighed.

_\- I need to know._

_\- I don’t think it’s my place to tell you._

_\- You’re my mum!! Who’s place would it be if not yours._

_\- Louis…_ Jay came closer, caressing her son face with a gentle hand, _you should really talk to Harry. Soon._

 

Louis looked into his mum eyes, trying to read her mind but all he could see was something that looked like pity. Or pain, maybe.

 

_\- Why? What’s the urge? You told me yourself I needed to give him time._

_\- I just don’t want you to run out of time, Louis._

 

They stood there, looking at each other in silence for a while, before Louis finally had the courage to talk about something he had kept for too long.

 

 _\- I’m always too late,_ he murmured slowly.

_\- For what, dear?_

_\- For him. For Harry._

_\- What do you mean?_ Jay asked her son, leading him towards the sofa.

 _\- I keep having that dream, mum. And he’s already gone every time I arrive._ Louis whispered as he sat, hiding his face in his hands.

_\- Oh, Darling..._

_\- I kept having these dreams, mum. I’m going to see him and he’s gone already._

_\- Louis…_ Jay was close to crying herself.

 

It was hard for her to see her son this way. Even though she knew he was the one to blame for most of the current situation between Harry and him, Louis was still her baby and seeing him so lost broke her heart. She wished she had a magical wand which would fix everything, but she hadn’t and all she could do was being there for Louis. Hoping for the best while fearing the worst.

 

 _\- And every time I understand he’s gone, I feel like I’m gonna die too. Every time, mum. Every time. What if I’m too late for real, mum? What if I can never tell him how sorry I am. That he is the most important person on earth to me. I’m sorry mum, but he is. I love you and the kids so much, but he is… he is my…_ Louis couldn’t finish his sentence as he started to sob.

 _\- He’s your person. I get it. I know it._ Jay told him in a soothing voice.

 

Louis just nodded.

 

 _\- You love him more than anything and it’s okay love. It’s how it’s supposed to be. When you’re a kid, you love your parents above all, then you grow up and you meet that one person who changes your world for the better and then, if you’re lucky enough, you have kids and they’re changing your life again. It’s okay. That’s all I ever wanted for you. Really._ Jay reassured him. _You made a mistake, Louis, a couple even, but it’s not too late to fix things. Do it. You owe it to Harry, you owe it to your future kids, and you owe it to yourself._

 

Louis looked up, and Jay added quietly:

 

_\- You will never forgive yourself if you don’t at least try, Darling._

_\- I can try. Yeah. I’m gonna try, I swear, mum. I’ll go home to talk to him after the meeting. Why are you smiling?_ He asked noticing his mum face lighting up.

 _\- You said “home”._ She simply answered.

 

Louis just shrugged, but a couple minutes later, as he was in his room getting ready for his meeting, he thought about her words again. That’s when he realized that she was right. Like always.

He also accepted something else at that exact moment. Wherever Harry could ever be, Louis will call it home. Because home was not a place to him, home was Harry and he desperately needed to go home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm so sorry it took me so long... Life and work king of got in the way... But I'm back and I swear I'm gonna update soon again.
> 
> Love.
> 
> (PS: A huge thank you to Julia, the best beta ever!)


	9. There was nothing that I could do to save you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from “Two” by The Antlers
> 
> Louis, Liam and Niall have a band meeting.  
> Louis learns the truth.  
> Louis and Harry finally talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... It's been six months exactly...  
> Sorry for the long wait...

It was weird being at a band meeting without Harry. The atmosphere in the room was heavy and the fact that Niall refused to even glance into Louis’ direction really didn’t help. Drew from their management team had been talking for what felt like forever and to be honest, Louis had no idea what he was saying. He wasn’t paying attention, too focused on his phone, frowning at the articles speculating whether Harry’s “disappearance” was due to his alleged drug abuse or his diva behaviour. The media was being annoying and stupid but nothing new there. He was wondering if they would be nicer if they knew about his real condition. If they would stop writing their bullshit. Probably not.

 

\- _So, what do you think about it, Louis?_

 

Louis looked up at the mention of his name, placing his phone on the table.

 

_\- I’m sorry. What?_

 

Drew was about to repeat himself when Niall glared at Louis and said harshly.

 

- _We all have better stuff to do Louis, yet we’re here because of your bullshit. The least you could do is pay attention._

 _\- My bullshit?_ Louis frowned, slightly confused.

 

He had the impression that things had been better between Niall and him lately, so he was surprised by his friend’s bitterness.

 

_\- I know there is quite a lot to choose from, right Tommo? But let’s put it this way: the bullshit of all your bullshits. That’s what we’re talking about._

 

Since Louis apparently wasn't catching on, Niall just dropped one sentence, distaste clear in his voice,

 

_\- They want us to play perfect family shit show._

_\- What do you mean, Niall?_ Louis asked, raising his eyebrows in confusion.

 _\- They just suggested for us to meet her, Ni, they didn’t ask us to throw her a party._ Liam answered sounding tired.

 _\- Meeting who?_ Louis questioned.

 _\- Briana._ Drew answered simply.

 

Taking in Louis surprised look, he added quickly.

 

_\- We all agreed..._

_\- I, for sure, didn’t agree on anything._ Niall cut in.

 _\- We all agreed, within the management team,_ Drew corrected himself quickly, _that it’s important for the public to get used to see her around you guys before the baby is born. Get them on board with the idea that you’re gonna be a father soon and that she’s gonna be part of the family, literally. We think that it could help the harassment situation she’s been in since the news first broke._

 

Louis knew all too well how bad it had been for everybody even remotely involved in the situation. Briana had never complained about it to him but he could imagine that if his own sisters were facing some insults online over the baby, its mother most definitely had too.

 

 _\- So we are thinking that it would be good if you were seen with her and the boys._ Drew explained. _It doesn’t have to be something big, just grabbing a coffee or having lunch. Something casual and simple. Sophia could come along, it would seem more organic this way._

 _\- “Seem” being the key word here, as far as I’m concerned._ Niall ionised.

 

Liam just shrugged so Drew went on, taking the boy’s silence as a signal to continue.

 

_\- Or even better idea, the girls could be seen together and then, later on during day, Liam and you could join them. And then Niall…_

_\- Then Niall nothing. I’m not doing it._ Niall said standing up. _I’m not pretending I’m happy about the situation. Hell, I’m not pretending to be happy, period. I’m not pretending to care. I’m not pretending Louis isn’t an asshole._

 _\- Niall, listen…_ Liam started.

 _\- No, Liam, you listen to me. I’m done with his shit._ Niall yelled, pointing at Louis with an accusing finger. _He brought this shitty situation on himself, I say let him deal with it. Why is it always up to others to fix his shit? He’s not the one who needs us more right now._

 

Liam exhaled loudly, shaking his head. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something before closing it again almost immediately.

 

 _\- Niall, I know what you’re thinking. I think we all do,_ Drew said.

 

His voice was calm and gentle, almost soothing. Truth to be told Drew had always been one of the boys’ favorite team member, but at that moment, all Niall needed was to take his frustration out on someone. Anyone, really. And Drew just happened to be there and to be the unlucky messenger.

 

_\- Do you now? Not only you’re the public relations god, you’re also a psychic now?_

_\- I know it’s hard,_ Drew continued as if he hadn’t heard Niall’s snarky comment, _but we need to focus on what’s best for the band_.

 _\- “For the band”,_ Niall snorted. _“For the band”, that’s fucking brilliant. What “band”?_

_\- This band. You guys._

_\- We’re not a “band” anymore._ Niall answered.

 _\- Yes, we are._ Louis answered, frowning.

 

Niall glared at him.

 

 _\- I mean, I know we’re taking a break and all, but once Har… I mean, once everything's been dealt with, well, we’ll…_ Louis all but babled.

 _\- The three of us, we’re never gonna be a band again._ Niall spat.

_\- What do you mean the “three of us”, did Ha… did he said he wanted out? Nobody told me._

 

At this, Louis was very confused. He had assumed that once Harry was back to health, they would talk and fix what was left of their friendship - or at the very least of their professional relationship. He was even planning on going to talk to him. Soon. He just needed to find the courage he had lacked this past few weeks.

 

 _\- Harry didn’t say anything, Louis._ Liam answered.

_\- Then why is Ni saying that?_

_\- I…_

_\- Why is Ni saying the “three of us” won’t be a band anymore. Why the “three of us”? What does he mean by that?_ Louis asked a bit more urgently.

_\- Fuck you’re dense, aren’t you Louis?_

_\- Niall…_ Liam started.

_\- Don’t ‘Niall’ me. I don’t know if you noticed Tommo, but we’re missing Harry here?_

_\- Of course, I’ve… I know..._

_\- No, you don’t know shit! Because if you knew you’d shut your goddam mouth for once. Because while we’re planning on how to make you look like the perfect dad-to-be, my best friend is at home sorting out his will._ Niall screamed at him, choking on the last word.

 

Louis stared a bit, eyes wide with shock. His mind was racing. His will? Why was Niall talking about a will? Why would Harry do that? He was doing fine - as fine as you can be when battling cancer - wasn’t he? Anne would have called him otherwise, right? She had promised him. So why…

Then he remembered the conversation he overheard. The way Harry had looked at the people on Niall’s birthday. The way he had looked at him. Silently saying goodbye. His chest tightened and suddenly it was like all the air has been sucked out of his lungs. Harry was saying goodbye that night, wasn’t he? He didn’t get that wrong. Why couldn’t he been wrong?

He opened his mouth trying to say something but the words were stuck in his throat.

 

 _\- The treatment didn’t work, Lou. And they didn’t find a match either._ Liam said, his voice small and shaking.

 

Louis couldn’t talk. He was just shaking in head. He felt like he had been hit by a truck. A thousand images flashed in his mind. Some from the recurring nightmare he has had over the past few weeks. His conversation with his mum. _“I just don’t want you to run out of time”_ she had said. His fights with Harry. Harry. Harry... Everything was rushing back to him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

 

 _\- How long?_ He finally whispered.

_\- We don’t know for sure…_

_\- No, Liam. I’m asking how long you’ve known. How long you’ve all known and didn’t bother to tell me?_

 

His voice was getting louder, laced with anger. Nobody spoke. Drew was looking at the floor like it had suddenly become the most interesting thing ever. Liam was staring at Louis, looking defeated and sad while Niall was now quietly sobbing, his face in his hands. Liam was rubbing a comforting hand on his friend’s trembling back.

Louis stood up and asked again, enunciating each word slowly.

 

_\- How long?_

_\- Right after Ni’s birthday._

_\- That was weeks ago!_

 

Louis was now yelling

 

_\- Why didn’t you say anything?_

_\- Louis…_

_\- You know what?_ _Don’t bother answering this one, Payne. But you, you!_ He said turning to face Drew. _You knew and all that mattered to you was to “make us look good”? For what? He’s… I..._

 

He ran his fingers through his hair, massaging his temples. Trying to figure out what to say. What to do. Then suddenly he grabbed his phone.

 

_\- I have to go._

 

And with these words, he was out of the room. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Liam standing up and motioning to grab his arm, and as he was speeding up down the hall he heard Drew calling him and Niall saying _“let him go”_.

 

 

*****

 

 

Without realising it, Louis found himself ringing Harry's doorbell. He hadn't thought about it and surely didn’t hope for Harry to open the door.

Now, he was looking at the younger man who didn’t seem all that surprised to find Louis on his doorstep, not even asking him what he was doing here. The first thing he noticed was how pale his hand looked on the doorframe. Almost translucid, blue veins showing through. He was still wearing his favorite ring on his middle finger but the once perfectly adjusted jewellery now looked at least two sizes too big. The short hair was the second thing to catch Louis eyes. Louis hadn’t seen Harry with such short hair since… well, never.

 

 _\- You cut your hair…_ Louis stated a bit stupidly.

 

He had to refrain from reaching out to find out if it was still as soft as he remembered it to be.

Harry just nodded, keeping quiet. And Louis kind of wished he could be yelling at him, telling him to get lost instead. He took a deep breath, trying to find the right words but couldn’t find any, so he just asked:

 

_\- Can we talk?_

 

Their eyes locked for the first time since Harry had opened the door. In Louis’ eyes, Harry could see fright and anger, and that’s when he understood that Louis knew. Harry sighed.

 

 _\- Come on in_. He said moving out of the way to let Louis step inside.

 

He lead him to the living room, motioning to sit on the couch and Louis remembered Anne doing the exact same gesture right before… right before she crushed his world. And suddenly it was all too much for Louis. All too real. He was about to start panicking when he heard Harry asking him:

 

_\- Are you okay, Louis?_

 

Harry’s voice sounded concerned and Louis saw his brow frown.

 

_\- I should go. I don’t know why I came…_

_\- You said you wanted to talk._

_\- You know what? It can wait…_

_\- Louis…_

_\- No, I’ll come back later. We’ll talk when you’re doing better._ He said nodding his head a little bit, already on his way out.

_\- You know that I’m not going to do better._

 

Louis stopped. Closing his eyes and clenching his jaw to keep himself from crying.

 

_\- But you knew that already, Louis, that’s why you’re here._

 

Louis didn’t move.

 

 _\- It’s okay._ Harry said softly.

 

 _“No it’s not okay!”_ Louis yelled internally.

 

 _\- How long?_ He whispered instead not turning back to look at Harry.

_\- The doctors say a few months at most._

 

Louis felt his heart breaking. A few months? How could that be possible? How could that happen? He let the tears stream down his face, biting his lip.

 

 _\- There is nothing they can do._ Harry continued, his voice barely above a whisper too. _But it’s okay. I’m at peace with it._

_\- How can you be?_

_\- It took me some time. Of course. But I had the time to process it. To accept it._

 

Louis turned around and looked at Harry’s face through his tears. He truly looked at peace and that scared Louis the most. They stayed silent for a few minutes, looking at each other.

 

_\- Were you at least going to tell me?_

_\- No._ Harry answered, situating himself on the couch, gesturing again for Louis to do the same.

_\- I know you don’t owe me anything, Harry. I know that. But I..._

_\- Louis..._

_\- We were together for 5 years, for God's sake. 5 years. Does it mean nothing to you?_

 

Louis was still crying but he finally sat down on the couch next to Harry.

 

 _\- It means everything to me. That's why I couldn't tell you._ Harry sighed.

_\- I would have been here. I should I've been here._

_\- I know you would have. That's why I didn't tell you. At first it was because I didn't want to hear from you, even less see you. I didn't want your pity. Then, after a while, I just couldn't. I had no idea how I could drop something like that on you._

_\- Haz…_

_\- I just thought that if you didn't know, then you could be happy. Enjoy the break. Enjoy your free time before the bab… Before your life changes completely._ Harry simply explained.

_\- I wasn't happy, Harry. I… hell, I'm not even sure I remember what happiness feels like._

 

Louis was growing frustrated. At himself. At Harry for still putting him above his own needs even at a time he shouldn't have focused on anything but himself.

 

_\- I haven't been happy since the time we last were in that house together. How could you even think I was happy, Harry?_

_\- Louis... I'm so…_

_\- No don't say you're sorry. Don’t you dare apologize to me. I'm the one who's sorry... Fuck, Haz... I... It's all so fucked up. I fucked up everything._

 

Harry didn't answer. They stayed there, sitting side by side in silence for a while. Louis wasn't crying anymore, he was looking at the garden, watching the high grass dancing in the soft wind. The window was wide open, letting the sun of this peaceful October afternoon warm up the room. Two birds were standing by the pool, playing with the water. Louis wondered if Harry remembered the last time they've done that too. If he remembered their skin warmed up by the late June sun. His lips on his shoulder and their feet touching the water.

 

 _\- I know it probably doesn't feel like this at the moment, It but it's gonna be okay._ Harry said, breaking the silence after a moment.

 _\- It's never gonna be okay, Harry._ Louis answered, not looking at him.

_\- It has to be, though. It’s not like we have a choice anyway._

 

As Louis remained quiet, Harry took a deep breath before continuing.

 

_\- You're having a baby and I'm gonna die. It's pretty simple actually. And it's nothing neither of us - or anyone for that matter - can do anything about._

 

Harry's voice was calm, as if he had just said he was out of milk instead of talking about his death and Louis couldn't speak. He kept watching at the birds instead.

 

 _\- You’re gonna be the best dad in the world, Louis. I just know it._ Harry simply stated. _I think I've known that ever since I first saw you with your sisters. You were just so good with them, you know? Still are._

 

Louis felt like he was frozen. How could Harry still say something like that, after… well, everything? How could he still find in his heart the strength to reassure Louis.

 

 _\- Of course I’ve always imagined… I’ve never thought… I wish things were different, I guess._ Harry added after a short pause, _But it is what it is, right?_

 

Louis looked at him. Searching for the right words. He had to fight the urge to take Harry’s hand in his. To kiss his knuckles over and over again. To touch his face and erased with his thumb the slight frown that had just appeared between Harry’s eyebrows. He knew he couldn’t do that. He knew he had lost the right to ever comfort Harry. To ever feel the skin of the man he loved under his fingers. He gave all of that up when he had slept with that woman. He had thrown away that privilege the moment he had slapped Harry that night back in July.

 

_\- I… Why are you so nice to me? Louis asked in a small voice._

 

Harry exhaled, running his hand through his short hair, out of habit. He looked Louis right in the eyes, smiling slightly. And that smile. God, that smile. It wasn’t even close to the smile Louis was so used to see on Harry’s lips, the one that made small crinkles appear in the corner of his eyes, the one with the dimples. But it was still a so very Harry smile. It was a real one. It was also the first one Louis saw in months. Let alone the first one directed towards him, and just like it has always done, it warmed him up from the inside.

 

_-Because it’s what I do, isn’t it?_

 

Unable to maintain eye contact with Harry, Louis turned his head towards the mantlepiece, staring at the picture of Gemma on Harry’s lap. Both of them smiling bright, unaware of what the future had planned for them. He remembered having an argument with Harry about that exact chimney _“It’s Los fucking Angeles, Haz! What do you want a chimney for?” “Where else are we gonna put our family pictures on, Lou?” “I don’t know… how about anywhere we fucking want?” “Family pictures go on the chimney mantle, Lou. It’s just the way it is!”_. Louis wished he could go back then. When their biggest problem had been having a chimney or not. When everything was simpler. When they were together. When Harry wasn’t dying.

 

_\- I… I wish…_

_\- I know you do, Louis._

 

And the truth was, Harry really did know. He knew how much Louis wished for everything to be different. He had wished for that too. So many times. So hard.

 

_\- But there is nothing you can do about it._

 

They fell silent again for a moment.

 

 _\- I’m glad you’re here, though._ Harry said quietly.

 _\- Why?_ Louis wondered.

_\- Because… You’ve been a part of me for so long, Louis. And I don’t know how I’ve ever thought I could leave without letting you know that. You were not only a part of me. You were the biggest part also. Almost like I wasn’t really me without you. You’re so important to me that sometimes I can’t even remember who I was before I met you._

 

Louis looked at him, not saying anything. He didn’t have to, Harry knew, he felt the same.

 

_\- You remember when I was writing my speech for my mum’s wedding?_

 

Louis nodded in silence.

 

 _\- I found this blog, you know,_ Harry continued, looking at the ceiling. _It was about soulmates. The woman was saying that the moment she had met her husband, it was like she had found the part of herself she didn’t even know she was missing. And it was hard because she was with someone else and stuff, but she just knew it. That they were meant to be together. It was beautiful and sad at the same time because when she wrote it, her husband had just died a couple of months before. But you could still feel how glad she was to have known him. To have been his. She said that she believed that everything they went through before they met, every obstacle they had to face to be together had a reason. That it had been this way so they could share these couple of years with each other. So she could have all of the memories they built together to hold on after he left. She said that she was happy to have had such an epic love. To have loved so much that saying goodbye broke her heart. But she wasn’t sad. She said that because she had had that great amazing love, her heart was ready for more. That she was open to love her future partner, her eventual kids, because while losing him did break her heart, thanks to that great love, it could still be mended. That now that her heart knew how magical love could be, it would always welcome it. I didn’t use it for mum’s wedding. I didn’t felt it was fitting for her and Robin because it was too sad, too tragic._

 

Harry paused for a minute and took a deep breath, his eyes locked with Louis’.

 

_\- But it resonated in me for some reason. It stuck with me for a long time. I had no idea why until a few days ago. We’re like them, Louis. You and I. I feel like all of our mistakes lead us to this exact moment. So I can say goodbye to you even if it breaks my heart. So I can tell you it’s okay to say goodbye because you still have so much more love to come. I feel like the time we got to share together, that time that both seems like it was over in a blink of an eye and at the same time like it was an eternity, it was our destiny. That I was just here so after I’m gone you’d use the memory of that incredible feeling to go on with your life._

 

Harry had now tears running down his cheeks but he was still smiling.

 

 _\- I can't lose you, Haz_. Was all that Louis managed to say without to starting to cry again.

 

As Harry opened his mouth again, Louis shook his head, signalising to him to let him finish. He swallowed before continuing.

 

_\- And don’t tell me that I will never lose you because you’ll still be here in our hearts or some shit. Don’t even say that, I kind of lost you a few months ago already. It's not the same, Haz. Remembering you will never be the same as being with you. I know you’re not mine anymore, I really do, but you're still here, and... I would be okay to never see your eyes in person again, to never smell your perfume again, to never hear your voice again, to never touch you again… I would be okay with the void you’d leave in my life if I knew you were happy somewhere. Laughing. Breathing. You’re not mine anymore but you're still you. But if you d... If you're g... Haz... You make the world better. I wish I would have told you that every day. I wish I could say it forever. When I had you, you made me feel safe, you made me feel strong. You made me feel loved. You made me happy. You made me feel alive. You still do._

 

Louis was crying again and Harry reached for his face with so much care and softness it made Louis sob ever harder.

 

 _\- Louis…_ he whispered.

 

After a moment, Louis started to talk again, his voice breaking every other word.

 

_\- I know I fucked up everything. I know I hurt you, over and over again and there are no words to say how sorry I am. I wish I had a bloody time machine, I wish I could go back in time. I would go back to last year. I would take you to the doctor, I would hold your hand. I would be there with you. I would do everything differently._

_\- But if you do, then your baby wouldn't exist._ Harry stated quietly.

_\- But I would have you. I would hold on tight and never let go. I would..._

 

Louis dropped his head on Harry’s shoulder. Both of them silent once more until Harry spoke in a small yet firm voice.

 

_\- Louis, can you promise me something?_

_\- Anything. Everything._

_\- Promise me you’ll be happy again. For your baby. You owe it to them. To their mother, to yours, to yourself. You owe it to me. Make something good out of my pain. And please, please don't blame yourself, don't blame anyone but me when I'm gone._

_\- I..._

_\- I know you. I know you will. Listen._

 

Harry took Louis’ chin in his hand, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

 

_\- It's okay if you're sad, if you are angry at me, if you hate me for leaving. But for a short amount of time only. You’re gonna be a dad soon, Louis. And your kid deserves to have a happy dad. A happy Louis. Because I know that Louis, and it’s the best thing that could ever happen to anyone._

_\- I’m never gonna be that happy again._

 

And Louis honestly meant it. Harry could see it in his eyes.

 

_\- I wish you could forget me. Forget I’ve ever existed._

_\- I don’t ever want to forget. I..._

_\- I know, Louis. But I wish you could._

_\- Why?_

_\- Because everything would be so much easier. If you’d forget about me, you could be that happy again._

_\- I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget how you felt in my arms. How soft your skin is, how bright your eyes are when you’re smiling. Even our fights, I want to remember them, Harry. Because it’s all you and I feel like if I ever forget anything about you I’ll forget how to breathe. I’ll forget who I am. And, Harry, nobody is never gonna make me feel like you did. You’ve made me feel whole. Like I was worth something. Because you were the first person outside of my family to ever love me for who I am. You believed in me. You choose me. You could’ve had anyone you wanted, but you choose me. The way you made me feel. The way you still make me feel, Harry, it’s something I’ve never even dreamt to know. It’s something I know I will never experience ever again. Because nobody is ever gonna be able to choose the weird, self-conscious, annoying 18-year-old I was when we met. I’m never gonna be that person again, Harry, because you changed me. Because you changed my life. So no, I already know that I will never be as happy as I’ve been with you. I might be able to fool the others and even myself at some point, but I know it won’t be as real as this. It won’t be it. It’s not possible. Because you are what that happiness feels like for me, Harry. I was that happy only because you were there. Because I knew you were happy too._

 

Harry had let go of Louis’ face in the meantime but kept looking at him intensely. Louis continued holding his gaze.

 

_\- When we went to your mum's after the X-Factor, I promised her something, Haz. I swore to her that I would keep you safe and happy... I failed her. I failed you. I failed._

_\- You made me happy..._ Harry simply stated.

_\- But..._

_\- Listen to me. Yes, you broke my heart, Louis. And yes you broke a lot of your promises. But you made me happy. Incredibly so. I blamed you for a lot of things, Louis, sometimes without any right to do so, but I want you to know that I was was happy with you. I felt safe with you. You kept that promise. I swear. I know it. My mum knows it. You have to know it too._

 

Louis only nodded quietly.

 

 _\- Promise me you’re gonna find a way to be happy too._ Harry pleaded.

_\- I can't prom..._

_\- Please._

_\- I..._

_\- I’m not asking you to be happy right now. Not even the day after. I know it will take time..._

_\- Time?_

 

 _“More like forever. And one day”_. Louis thought.

 

 _\- But I know that at some point things will go back to normal._ Harry added.

_\- Normal?_

_\- The way they were before... All of this... Me…_

 

 _“There was no me before you. There is no normal before you to go back to”_ Louis almost said. Instead he shock his head.

 

_\- It will. Trust me. One day everything will be fine. I can see it already. You'll have a family and before you even realise it, it’s going to been months since my name last crossed your mind. You’ll be okay. You’ll be home._

_\- Not gonna happen._

_\- It will._

_\- It can't._

_\- Why?_

_\- Because I won't ever be home again._

_\-  What do you mean?_

_\- I won’t ever be home again without you._

 

Harry stared at him, a confused look on his face.

 

 _\- You're my home._ Louis simply said.

_\- Louis..._

_\- You're my home._ He repeated again. _Being here right now, even though it’s so fucking hard, it's the first thing that feels normal in months. This. This conversation, as much as I hate it. It's home. I'm home for the first time in forever. You're home for me. Always have been. Always will be._

 

Harry looked at him with a sad look.

 

 _\- The first time I heard your voice I knew._ Louis continued. _It was like lighthouse guiding me through the night. The first time I've held you in my arms, it felt like coming home. And every time after that was the same. You’d be there and I was home._

 

Louis had started to cry softly again when he had said the last sentence. He wept his strained cheek with the back of his hand. And suddenly it felt like everything was too much for him to bare. He stood up abruptly. He didn’t say a word, just grabbed his phone that had been laying on the coffee table and stuffed it in his back pocket.

Harry stood up too, reaching to grab Louis by the elbow, to keep him from going.

 

 _\- Louis…_ he whispered.

_\- I’m sorry… I can’t…_

_\- Please…_

 

Louis cleared his throat.

 

 _\- I’ll see you soon._ He murmured.

 

And without looking back, he walked towards the door, still feeling Harry’s gaze on his back.

 

 _\- Goodbye, Louis._ Harry said quietly.

 

And those two words sent shivers down his spine. They sounded too real. Too final.

He exited the room in silence, and as he was leaving, Harry heard him whisper

 

 

_“I'm gonna miss you forever.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you to Julia, a.k.a. THE BEST BETA EVER!!
> 
> Hope you liked it...  
> I swear I'm gonna try to update before June...


	10. You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from “Sign of the Times” by Harry Styles
> 
> Niall and Harry spend some time together, singing and writing music.  
> Briana point of view of the situation.  
> Louis talks to a doctor about Harry.

****They were sitting in the patio, enjoying the warmth of this early November afternoon. It was turning into one of their fall rituals. Once a week, Niall would come over for the afternoon and they would sit together in the sun. On some days, they would talk for hours, sometimes they would play cards, and sometimes, like today, Niall would bring his guitar with him and they would play for Harry. Right now, he was playing absently, looking at the reflection of the sun on the water and Harry was nodding along, eyes closed and a small smile lingering on his lips. Neither of them talked for quite some time but they were okay with that. They knew each other well enough to not feel awkward being side by side in silence.

Niall was humming softly under his breath and without even noticing, Harry joined in, letting the words flow.

 

_\- Hold on, say it again?_

_\- What?_

_\- This last sentence, Harry. Say it again?_

_\- It wasn’t a phrase…_

_\- Yes it was! And it was good!_

_\- I don’t even remember…_

_\- It was about being kings or something…_

_\- I was just babbling…_

_\- No H., it was great, please, say it again…_

_\- "we were kings, dancing on the wings of the wind”_ Harry sang.

_\- That’s really good, Harry!_ Niall smiled softly. _I really like it. Let me start again from the top._

 

Niall replayed the same chords while Harry started singing again, the words coming easily to him. In less than an hour they had come up with a song. The rhythm was happy and uplifting, the kind of melody you hum while sitting with your friends around a bonfire on a starry summer night. The lyrics were full of melancholia but a beautiful ode of one’s childhood. A song about longing for a simpler time. A wish to go back there too.

 

_\- It’s a really good song, H.,_ Niall said putting his guitar down.

_\- We make a good team. Maybe we should start a band or something,_ Harry joked lightly.

 

And like every time Harry made a joke, Niall laughed, that very loud and clear laugh. For a moment everything was perfect. They were back to a few months ago, when everything was okay, when they were just boys on top of the world, when Harry wasn’t dying.

 

_\- I’ve missed doing this._ Niall stated after a while.

 

Harry’s eyes were closed, his face turned towards the sun, as if he was trying to soak up as much warmth as he could.

 

_\- We should do it again, then,_ Harry answered, a soft smile on his lips.

_\- Yeah we should…_

_\- I mean it, Ni. We should do it again. I really liked it. It was nice. It was easy. It was everything my life hasn’t been lately._

_\- Okay. We’ll do that then, Harry._

_\- Good._ Harry smiled. _Good._

 

They stayed silent for a moment, Niall looking at his friend and Harry smiling at the sun.

  
_\- Next time we should invite the rest of the boys over._ Harry said after a while.

_\- Really? Like all of them?_ Niall asked, curious.

_\- Yeah, all of them ._

_\- Even, you know,_ Niall added, just jerking his head to the side.

_\- Yes, Niall, even Louis,_ Harry nodded.

 

Niall remained silent.

 

_\- I’ve talked to him._ Harry said after a while.

_\- When?_

_\- A couple of weeks ago. He came over._

_\- I didn’t know that._

_\- It was… It was nice. I needed it. I needed the closure._

_\- Harry, don’t tell me you’ve forgiven him._

_\- It’s more complicated than that, Ni._

_\- It really isn’t though, H._

_\- It is. Because at the end of the day, even if I’m not the love of his life, he was mine. So no, Ni, I didn’t forgive him, I’m not sure I could ever anyway. But talking to him was nice, Ni. I think I needed it. I needed to say goodbye. To lay things to rest between us. It was nice._

_\- You’re too nice. You’ve always been too nice with everybody anyway, but when it comes to Louis, you’ve always been way too nice - borderline stupid. He didn’t deserve you._

_\- I think he did, though._ Harry smiled softly.

 

Niall just shook his head, knowing better than to talk back to his friend.

 

_\- I hope you guys can fix things between you._ Harry added quietly.

_\- I’m not sure we can, H, everything is so..._

_\- Ni, when I’m gone, it’s only gonna be you guys, so I really hope you can fix it._

 

Harry was now looking at his friend with a serious expression but there still was something incredibly soft in his eyes.

 

_\- Harry… I’m not… You know, Louis…_ Niall started.

_\- Please, Ni. For me._ Harry pleaded.

_\- Okay. Right. Sure. I’ll try to be nicer to dickhead Tomlinson._ Niall sighed.

_\- Thank you, Ni. I love you, you know._ Harry smiled

_\- I love you too, Hazzabean._ Niall answered immediately.

_\- I’m happy that…_ Harry started before his breath got laboured.

_\- H.? Are you okay?_ Niall asked, worriedly getting to his feet to rush to his friend’s side.

_\- I… Dizzy…_ Harry articulated with difficulty.

_\- Harry? Harry!_ Niall asked, getting a bit frantic. _Hey, H.! Don’t you dare pass out on me again!_ He yelled, shaking his shoulder.

 

_“Anne! Gemma! Something’s wrong with Harry!”_ Harry heard Niall yell, but everything felt like as if he was underwater all of a sudden.

 

_“Harry!!”_ He registered the worry in his sister’s voice but he couldn’t do anything to reassure her, because the last thing he saw was Niall and Gemma’s face in a blur before everything went black.

 

****

 

As he exited the obstetrician’s office after Briana, Louis’ eyes got caught by the _“oncology”_  department sign. He just stood there in the middle of the hallway, staring at the word like it was holding the key to all of his problems somehow.

 

_\- Lewis?_ Briana asked.

_\- Hmm…_

_\- What… ? Is there… ? Are you coming?_ the girl asked, visibly uncomfortable.

Louis looked at her, not sure what the question was and how he could answer. Over the past few months, they had obviously talked and got to know each other better. She was a nice girl, Louis couldn’t say otherwise, but the truth is that it was also all he could say about her. That girl was about 3 months away from giving birth to his child and all he could say about her was _“she’s nice”_ , wasn’t that pathetic, really? Well actually he could think of other things, like how her eyes weren’t green enough. How her lips were too thin. How her hair was too blonde… But if he was being honest, she could probably change all that, she still wouldn’t be what he longed for.

As he looked at her, standing here waiting for him, all he could think was _“if I go the other way, I might be able to help Harry.”_

 

_\- I… You should go home, Briana. I… I need to talk to someone…_

_\- I can wait…_

_\- No!_

 

He knew he had answered probably way too fast and way too loudly when he saw the hurt on her face.

 

_\- I mean, it might take a while, I don’t know. I’ll talk to you tomorrow._ He said more softly. _I have to go,_ he added, nodding his head towards the hallway.

_\- Sure…_ Briana said looking defeated. _Go._

 

And without a word, Louis turned around and left. As she looked at him disappearing around the corner, Briana started to wonder if they would ever start to feel comfortable around each other.

The truth is, she didn’t know exactly what was happening but she could feel that Louis had something else on his mind all the time. Someone else. If she was being honest, it wasn’t at all like she had imagined her life going. She had naively thought that maybe they could at least give their relationship a try. For the sake of their kid. But Louis hadn’t shown the slightest interest in her ever since she told him about the pregnancy. He was nice to her, made sure she had what she needed but that was it. And while he’d never made her feel like a burden or anything, he never made her feel her especially welcome in his private life either. Their almost daily conversations always revolved around hers or the baby’s health and what they needed in terms of clothing or equipment. But they never talked about anything more personal, and that’s why, even though she had a feeling that something was bothering and worrying Louis, she never dared to ask him what it was.

She was about to have a kid with him but she didn’t have the feeling she was part of his life. Sure, she had met his family and while everyone had been polite to her, she could feel that something was off, especially with his two older sisters. The whole afternoon they spent together, they had barely talked to her. Louis’ mum had been sweet but every time she looked at Louis, there had been a sadness in her eyes that Briana couldn’t explain.

The other part that had been a surprise to her was the way she had been kept away from Louis’ friends in general. To be quite frank, when she first realised that she was having Louis Tomlinson’s child, she had imagined that she would be meeting some celebrities, and she had expected to get to know the rest of the band. But it didn’t quite happen the way she had pictured it. Indeed, while she had met some of Louis’ childhood friends, she even became quite close to some that she was now seeing more often than she was seeing Louis, in the few months she’s been around him, she’d only seen Liam and Niall once.

She had met Liam the second time she and Louis had been partying together back in May. They went to that party together and she remembered hearing him saying to Louis to _“be careful, I’m sure someone wouldn’t be happy if some pics were to be released”_ . She had assumed he was talking about their management, or Louis’ ex-girlfriend. They hadn’t really talked, the music was loud and they were all quite drunk but she remembered him being a nice guy. That was the only time she saw Liam.

On the other hand, her meeting with Niall had been very short and uncomfortable. She had been at Louis’ house after one of her doctor’s appointments back in early September when the doorbell had rang. When Louis had opened the door, she could hear them laugh and mock each other. It had made her smile, they sure did sound like brothers, laughing and bickering. When Niall had entered the living room, Briana had stood smiling.

 

_\- Oi Tommo, who’s the young lady?_ He had asked all smile and holding his hand out.

_\- Niall, hmm, this is Briana._

_\- Oh._

 

Niall’s smile had fallen immediately, he’d retracted his hand and his face closed up. He looked over her, seemingly only now taking in her baby bump.

 

_\- I didn’t know you had company. I’m gonna go. I’ll come back later._

_\- You can stay, Niall…_ Louis started.

_\- I’d rather not, if I’m being honest._ He spat out before showing himself out.

 

And like that, he’d been gone. Louis had tried to excuse his friend’s behaviour, saying _“he was probably tired or something”_ but it sure sounded like a lie. She didn’t know why but Niall didn’t seem to like her. At all. She never saw him again after that but she noticed that Niall had started to call Louis everytime he wanted to stop by after that day.

Regarding Louis’ bandmates, she had been surprised that Harry Styles seemed to be a taboo subject around Louis. At first she had thought it was because the tabloids were right and that they truly hated each other but over time, she started to notice things. Like that day Jay and Stan were whispering something and Stan said _“Harry”_ exactly when Louis and her entered the room. Immediately, she felt Louis tense up next to her, saw him clench his fists until they turned white. Stan’s eyes shot open wide before he started to apologize profusely while Jay shook her head sadly. Louis didn’t say anything but as he turned on his heels and exited the room, Briana could have sworn that she had seen his lips quiver and his eyes getting wet.

But the one thing that left her perplex was the way Louis’ youngest siblings were acting like they were always expecting Harry to show up, like Harry used to be part of their daily life somehow. She couldn’t help but notice how Ernest kept asking _“Harry here too?”_ every time he saw or spoke to Louis and how Doris kept saying that Harry was her favorite “in the family” because they both had curly hair.

One day, as she was playing with Doris who was showing her “Harry the Bear” explaining that it was a gift from Harry the Curly, she had asked _“do you see Harry the Curly often, baby?”_ but before the toddler could answer, Lottie had snapped, _“She’s not your baby. And keep his name out of your mouth”_ . And by the look everybody in the room had, she knew that she should probably take up on that.

So, no, she didn’t feel completely welcome and integrated in Louis’ entourage. She still had the feeling she had interrupted something, and that her presence was merely tolerated, if that. She also had a feeling that there was something about Louis that everybody around him knew but her. And she couldn’t help but feel hurt by that because, if she had now understood that they would never be together the way she had hoped, they were still about to have a child together and no matter what, they’d will forever be in each other’s lives from now on. She really hoped Louis would start to see her as a friend and as someone that could be trusted, but deep down, she had the feeling it wouldn’t happen. And in moments like this, she almost regretted calling him that day back in July.

 

****

 

When Louis got to the oncology department’s desk, he wasn’t sure of what he was doing there anyway. Over the past few weeks, months even, he had spent too many hours online, reading a thousand articles and even more testimonies of liver cancer survivors and relatives of people who sadly didn’t make it. He knew it probably wasn’t the best idea because he always heard his mum complaining about the people looking for medical information online, but still, he couldn’t help himself. He felt like he needed to gather the maximum of information and as stupid as it may sound, he also had that hope, deep down, that maybe he could find a solution, something that nobody had thought of.

But what he learnt from all his reading was that Anne had been right from the start and that a liver transplant seemed to be the better - if not the only - solution. Louis had learnt from his mum that no match had been found in Harry’s immediate family which meant that Harry was now on the waiting list. Waiting for someone healthy enough to die so he could live. Knowing Harry, who he was, what he stood for, that simple idea of him waiting, hoping for someone else’s misfortune was almost unbearable.

He was still thinking about what he was doing here in the first place when the door of one of the consultation rooms opened. A middle aged men stepped out, still reading the file he was carrying. Louis recognised him almost immediately. His name was Docteur Flinch or Flint. They had met him couple years ago when they had come to visit a terminally ill patient in this very department during one of their numerous Make a Wish participations.

Louis cleared his throat, getting the doctor's attention.

 

_\- Mr Tomlinson,_ he said with a smile, _what a surprise! What are you doing here? Are you visiting one of our patients?_

_\- Yes...  No… Can I talk to you for a minute?_

 

The doctor looked at him, taking in his worried look.

 

_\- It won’t take long, I swear._ Louis added, biting his lips.

_\- Well, I was about to go to the cafeteria to get lunch,_ the older man said looking at his watch. _I guess you could come with me so we could chat._

 

10 minutes later the two men were sitting in a quiet corner of the hospital’s cafeteria.

 

_\- So Mr Tomlinson, what is it you want to talk to me about?_

_\- Please, call me Louis._

_\- Alright, Louis. Is everything okay?_

_\- Well,_ Louis started, playing with the ring of his cup of coffee _, I have a… friend ._

 

He winced a little at the word, it didn’t sound quite right.

 

_\- And… he has cancer._

_\- I see,_ the doctor answered. _What kind, if I may ask?_

_\- Liver. Stage 3._

 

The doctor just nodded, frowning slightly, but allowing Louis to continue.

 

_\- He received radiation treatment but it didn’t quite work because of the position of one of the tumors,_ he said, trying to remember exactly what he had been told by both Anne and his mum _, so they went ahead with another treatment._

_\- Hmm. And how is he responding?_

_\- Well, it didn’t work either and because it was only weakening him, they stopped altogether a couple weeks ago. They said that his best chance was a transplant._

_\- It’s often the case with liver cancer patients._

_\- Yeah, but they didn’t find a match within his close family._

_\- Oh, I see._

_\- And now he’s on the waiting list and I…_

_\- Yes, Louis?_

_\- I was wondering if you knew how I could make things go faster._

 

Louis looked in the doctor’s eyes, who sighed.

 

_\- What do you mean faster?_

_\- Well, you know, make him go to the top of the list or add him to another list or something._

_\- Louis, it doesn’t work that way…_

\- I have money, I can pay!

_\- The money isn’t the problem. If you came to me, asking for the address of an organ dealer, you’ve come to the wrong place._

_\- It’s…_

_\- No, let me finish. Even more so, I would always strongly advise you against any black market path, because on top of being illegal, the organs could be defective, infected and whatnot._

_\- I wasn’t talking about black market!_

_\- Okay, what were you talking about then?_

_\- Well, could we put him on top of the list? That’s it._

_\- Louis… It’s not possible. The list is organized by priority, it’s the only fair way._

_\- Fair? Fair! How is it fair for him to not get a liver. He’s always been healthy. He’s the nicest person on earth. He deserves a liver more than anyone. He deserves it!_

_\- Does he deserve it more than a, I don’t know, 5 years old little girl? More than a 30 something mom?_

_\- I.. It’s…_

_\- Would it be fair for them to die, Louis?_

_\- No, okay, I get it, it’s not fair. But you know what isn’t fair either? The fact that my… he’s a good person you know. A damm good person. He’s helped so many people. He’s… He deserves better._

_\- I’m sure he does, Louis, but there is nothing I can do for him._

 

****

 

Louis and the doctor talked a bit more before the praticien had to go back to see one of his patients. Like he always did when he came to the hospital, Louis took the employee's exit. As he was crossing the small backyard that lead to the door, he noticed someone sitting there, their back against the dirty wall. He couldn’t see their face as they were holding it in their hands. They looked like a women, and they seemed rather young if their clothes were any indication to go by. He was about to walk away when the person threw their head back, their eyes still closed, and that’s when Louis recognised them. Gemma, it was Gemma who was crying in that sad and grey backyard. What was she doing here? Why was she crying. Louis’ heart beat faster and the only thing on his mind was Harry. _“Is it about Harry? It has to be about him, right? Did something happen? Please let him be okay!”_ These questions were rushing through his mind and he felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. He got closer to Gemma who still hadn’t seen him.

 

_\- Gemma?_

 

She jolted at her name, opening her eyes.

 

_\- Louis? Why… what are you doing here?_ She asked, visibly surprised to see him.

_\- I’m… We had an appointment for the ba… you know…_

 

Gemma understood what he meant and shook her head, suddenly looking pissed.

 

_\- Well, she’s probably waiting for you isn’t she? You should go._

_\- She’s not… I’m alone._

 

They looked at each other in silence for a moment.

It was so strange for Louis to be there with Gemma who he still considered to be family while she clearly didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. He and Gemma had always gotten along. From the start, she had been for him the older sister he never had. They used to gently mock Harry’s weird habits together. He used to call her for her opinion on the gifts he was planning for her brother. And now they hadn’t seen each other or talked in months. And everything was different. Everything was a mess.

Even though he feared the answer, he couldn’t help himself to ask:

 

_\- What are you doing here, Gemma?_

 

Gemma glared at him.

 

_\- It’s about Harry, isn’t it?_ He whispered.

 

Gemma still didn’t answer but he saw her lips quiver.

 

_\- What happened, Gemma?_ He asked, his voice small while letting himself slide next to her.

_\- He has cancer, that’s what happened._ She spat.

 

Louis sighed and Gemma noticed how tired he looked. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he hadn’t slept in months. And somehow, seeing Louis looking that bad comforted her bit.

 

_\- He collapsed, again, this afternoon._ She said after a while.

 

Louis felt his chest tighten.

 

_\- He’s not waking up._

 

And just like that Louis’ heart chattered to a billion pieces. The words he’s not waking up playing in a loop in his head. Harry was not waking up. He couldn’t form a word, his vision was blurry. All he could think about was Harry lying somewhere, unconscious.

 

_\- Niall was so scared. We all were._

 

_‘He wasn’t alone then, that’s good’_ Louis immediately thought. _‘But you should have been there too. You should be with him’_ the little voice in his head added.

 

They had been there, side by side, without saying anything for what felt like an eternity, before Gemma spoke again, not looking at Louis.

 

_\- How didn't you notice?_

 

Louis wasn’t sure he had understood correctly.

 

_\- Sorry, what?_

_\- You were with him every single day for the past few years. How did you not notice something was wrong with him?_

_\- Gemma..._

_\- You should have seen it. You should have realised. If you were not such a self centered bastard you would have. You promised us you would take care of him the day you took him away. You promised and you failed._

 

Gemma was now looking at him, her wet eyes sparkling with anger.

 

_\- You think I don't know that? He answered. You think it doesn't haunt me every single minute of every day. I know that, Gemma. I keep replaying in my head all the moments he told me he was tired, all the times he felt poorly over the past five years and I keep wondering “was it then?”, “was it that moment?”. You think I don’t know that I screwed up big time. If you think I’m not disgusted by myself for what I did to him, to all of you, then think again, Gemma. You trusted me with him and I failed him again and again. I know that._

 

Louis was now crying.

 

_\- I wish it could be me instead. I wish it was me all the time, Gemma._

_\- Same. I wish it was you._

 

And Louis knew she meant it.

 

_\- I’m so sorry, Gemma._

_\- Everybody keeps telling me that. The doctors, my parents, Harry… And it makes me so angry, Louis. I’m furious._

 

Louis looked at her, surprised by her words, not sure he understood what she meant.

 

_\- People keep telling me they’re sorry and that it’s okay to be sad,_ she continued _, I'm not sad. I’m pissed. I’m so pissed I feel like screaming. I don’t need their sorrow nor their pity! I need my brother to fight and be okay! And that’s the worst part of it all, he’s not fighting, you know. He’s not and I’m so angry at him because of that._

_\- Gemma, I’m sure he’s doing his best…_ Louis tried.

_\- He’s not. He has given up. And my brother was never a quitter. He always has been the most obstinate person I know, but now, in the only moment it really matters... He's so resignated and I hate him for that. I hate that he's not fighting back. And I hate that I’m hating him. And I'm angry at my parents too, because instead of pushing him to at least try to fight it, they are being so supportive. How you can support your 22 years old son who’s decided to die. It's not right. It’s not what parents should do. I'm angry at the doctors for not doing anything, for looking at us with their sad eyes when, really they don’t give a shit, because it’s not their lives they’re talking about._

_But most of all, I'm angry at myself. For not being able to help him. For being useless. I'm his big sister. I'm supposed to be here for him. To lead the way for him and I've never been able to do that for him. If anything he's the one who opened doors for me and I might even never get to thank him for that. And I'm so mad that if he's gone tomorrow, we will never really have had that adult relationship siblings are supposed to have because he was on the other side of the world for most of our adulthood. I'm so frustrated about the fact that most of our memories will be me mocking him. Asking him to leave me my space. Pushing him away, because he was just a baby. And even now, when he needs me the most, I'm so angry at everything and everyone that I can't even do that for him. And he deserves so much more than that. He deserves the world._

 

Louis didn’t know how to answer to that, or if he even should. So he chose to remain silent.

For a moment neither of them spoke but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable anymore.

 

_\- I never got to be his big sister you know._ Gemma finally said.

_\- Of course you are…_

_\- I’m not. Not the way I’ve always thought I would be. I’ve never got to be there for him the way I wanted to. I… He’s my little brother, Louis. My only brother. He’s all I’ve got. If he’s gone tomorrow, then it’s just me left. It can’t just be me, Louis._

_\- It won’t be. You have your parents, Robin’s kid, your cousins, your…_

_\- No. You don’t get it… It’s not the same. it won’t ever be the same._

_\- Gemma…_

_\- Imagine if it was Lottie…_

_\- I’d be devastated, I can’t even..._

_\- It’s what it’s like for me. Only worse because I only have him. If he’s gone, then everything is gone. I’ll be the only one there to remember how I use to forced him to eat dirt because we were having a pretend dinner with my dolls. How we use to snuggled in his bed to comfort each other when our parents were fighting. How I gave him his first glass of vodka the day before his first audition just to “loosen him up”. I’ll be the only one to remember and what if I don’t remember correctly, what if I forget an important detail. What if I don’t remember at all. I can’t remember all by myself. I can’t… I need him. I just need him._

_\- I know I’m probably the last person you want to spend time with,_ Louis said quietly _, but I know almost all of your childhood stories, so if you ever need someone to talk to… If you just need to ask something, I’ll always be there. I’ll help you remember._

_\- How can I be sure you won’t take back your words again?_

_\- I… I know my words are worth nothing to you, right now, but I swear to God, Gemma, I swear on my family, I will be there. I owe that to you, to him…_

_\- What if you forgot?_

_\- I won’t._

_\- You don’t know that._

_\- I do. Because I will never forget him nor every single word he ever spoke to me. I tried, you know. I tried to forget, but I can’t. He has left his mark on my brain, on my heart forever. He made me a better man, Gemma. He made me a better man, just by choosing me. I realized that not so long ago. I had it all because I had him. I’m never gonna forgive myself for what I did to him. For breaking my promise. For the way I let him down, the way I let all of you down. But I’m gonna spend my life trying to make it right. Right by him. And that starts by being there for you._

_\- You’re never gonna make it right._

_\- Then I’ll die trying._

_\- Okay._

 

After a while Gemma stood up.

 

_\- I should go see if mum needs something…_

_\- Sure… I’m… It was… I’ve missed you, Gemma._ Louis simply stated.

 

Gemma smiled tiredly at him.

 

_\- I don’t think I will ever forgive you…_ she said after a while.

_\- I’m not expecting it,_ Louis whispered back.

_\- … and I don’t think you deserved my brother…_

_\- I know…_

_\- … but he loved you so much…_

_\- I..._

_\- … and I know that, in the end, you’ve loved him too…_

_\- I still do. I always will._

_\- … you made him so happy, for so long…_

_\- I hope you’re right..._

_\- … you have been there for him when I couldn’t…_

_\- I tried at least, but..._

_\- … and just because of that I’m gonna try._

_\- I… Thank you._

 

Louis watched her enter the building. He sighed and walked towards the door and was about to close the door when Gemma appeared again.

 

_\- He really loved you, Louis, you know._

 

Louis just nodded. And then Gemma added something before she disappeared again. In this moment, these words had just made Louis smile sadly. All of a sudden, though, from one second to the next, the meaning behind those words was something else entirely.

 

 

_“He loved you so much, he would have given his heart for you”._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again a massive thank you to Julia for being the best beta ever - on top of being one of the cutest human being on Earth.  
> Next chapter is almost finished, so I hope I will be able to post it soon (depending on how life and work treat me...).
> 
> If you liked this chapter, drop a comment, leave a kudo!
> 
> As always, all the love.


	11. When God takes you back he’ll say, “Hallelujah, you’re home”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from ‘Supermarket Flowers’ by Ed Sheeran
> 
>  
> 
> Louis talks to Liam about transplant from living to living person.  
> Niall and Louis talk.  
> Anne and Gemma too.

****_“ He would have given his heart for you”_

 

A week had passed since Gemma had spoken these words to him, but they were stuck in Louis’ mind.

He had learned from his mum that Harry was awake, which, of course had been a relief. But much to everybody’s worry, his doctors had decided to keep him hospitalized, judging him too weak to go home. When Louis had asked his mum when Harry would be authorized to go home, Jay had tried to explain to him, in the softest way possible, that Harry was only going to get weaker with each passing day. Louis understood that Harry’s time was counted and that it was now more urgent than never to find a solution.

Louis was sitting on his couch, doing more research on his laptop when the doorbell rang. He got up quickly to open it.

 

_\- Liam! Thanks for coming, mate!_

_\- Of course! Are you okay?_ Liam asked, hugging his friend tightly.

 

He was genuinely worried about Louis. Earlier that day, he had received a voicemail saying _“It’s Louis, come over as soon as you can, it’s about Harry”._

 

_\- So what did you want to talk about?_

_\- Let’s sit down, okay?_ Louis motions towards the living room.

 

After getting themselves comfortable on the couch with a cup of tea, Louis started to explain to Liam why he had asked him to come over.

 

_\- So,  I talked to Gemma the other day._

_\- When?_

_\- The day Harry was hospitalized._

_\- How come?_

_\- Briana had a doctor’s appointment and when I was about to leave, Gemma was there…_

_\- Oh, okay… How did it go?_

_\- Not so well… I mean, obviously, I’m not exactly her favorite person right now,_ Louis said in perfect honesty.

_\- I don’t know what she told you, but she probably didn’t mean it, you know… Gemma loves you,_ Liam told his friend in an attempt to comfort him.

_\- I think she meant every word, actually…_ Louis sighed.

_\- She’s overwhelmed, you know… I think we all are,_ Liam tried to justify.

_\- I deserved it, Liam. But that’s not the point. She told me something that got me thinking. A lot._

_-  Ohh, Tommo thinking, that can’t be good,_ Liam joked effectively, making his friend smile.

_\- Shut it, Payne, as if you are any clever, Mr “I’m making up geography and words”,_ Louis joked back but sobered up a moment later and added, _she said that Harry would have been willing to give me his heart._

 

Liam seemed confused.

 

_\- Well… he actually kind of did that, so I don’t…_ he started.

_\- No, Liam. I mean, I see what you mean, but like she was talking about his literal heart…_

 

Liam frowned at that, not seeing what his friend was getting at.

 

_\- But you can’t give your like physical heart to someone, unless you’re, you know…_

_\- I know that, Liam, thank you very much- But, like, I did some research and I talked to that doc. I don’t know if you remember him, you know, Dr Flint. He’s an oncologist here in L.A… Anyway, you know how they didn’t find any match for Harry in his family so now he is on that bloody waiting list…_

 

Liam nodded.

 

_\- So what if someone, let’s say someone from our families, or our friends was compatible?_ Louis asked, looking at his friend expectantly.

_\- What do you mean by that?_

_\- I mean that one of us could save Harry’s life._

_\- How?_ Liam was visibly confused.

_\- Well apparently, nowadays, someone can give a part of their liver that will then be used as a transplant for a person in need of a transplant._ Louis explained, repeating what he had been reading about and asked Dr Flint, to whom he had talked a couple times over the past few days, to confirm it to him.

_\- What do you mean with ’a part’? Like, doesn’t Harry need a complete liver? And like, how does the person who gives a part of their liver live after that… I mean, isn’t that dangerous?_

_\- Well, it’s a surgery, so it’s as dangerous as any other, I guess. But for the ‘part of your liver’ bit... well, actually, the liver has the ability to regenerate itself,_ Louis explained.

_\- Regenerate itself,_ Liam repeated incredulously.

_\- Yes, like, it grows back,_ Louis clarified.

_\- You mean like a lizard’s tail?_

_\- Yeah, basically._

_\- Sick! How long does that take?_

_\- According to Doc Flint, it happens over a short period of time, like days to weeks. He told me that the donor liver is always back to its full size in maximum 2 months… So like, super quickly._

_\- Well, that’s good I guess,_ Liam answered, scratching his neck.

_\- Okay, so like, I was thinking that we could get tested and ask our friends and family to do the same, well you know, the people who know what’s going on ,_ Louis added.

_\- To see if one of us could be a donor for Harry?_ Liam asked.

_\- Yes, exactly._

_\- Louis, they didn’t find any matches between his own blood relatives, what are the chances that one of us could do it?_ Liam said calmly. He didn’t want Louis to get his hopes up too much. Out of them all, he always had been the reasonable one, after all.

_\- I know  it’s a long shot, Liam, but what do we have to lose anyway?_

_\- Nothing, I guess…_

_\- Plus, Dr Flint told me that living donors not only reduce the waiting time, but they improve the chance for transplant success. Because since the transplant date is determined in advance the patient who’s gonna receive the liver can be better prepared for their surgery, which is apparently super important in the success of an organ transplant. Also, the liver itself is "fresher" because donor and recipient are in nearby operating rooms and the donated liver portion is transported within minutes. So, like think of all these positives sides!_

_\- Seems like a long reach..._

_\- Do you know many people are waiting for a liver in the U.S, Liam?_ Louis asked rubbing his temples.

_\- I don’t, no, but..._

_\- Over 16,000, Louis cut in. Over 16,000 patients are on that fucking waiting list for a liver, Liam, and they add more and more every single day. 16,000! And you know how many people get a new liver every year?_

_\- I don’t,_ Liam sighed.

_\- Only 6,000._

 

Louis was now crying, not caring about wiping his face.

 

_\- I…_ Liam started

_\- Could you live with yourself if he dies and you haven’t even tried?_ Louis asked harshly.

_\- No._

 

They stayed silent for a moment, both men imagining what could happen. It was a terrifying thought, thinking about Harry being suddenly gone completely. It was something Liam didn’t allow himself to think about, as if, by some magical way, pushing the idea away would prevent it from happening. His eyes landed on a picture standing under one of the windows. He recognised it immediately and remembered exactly when it had been taken. They were on the Wembley Arena’s stairs, it was just after they were put in a band together. Niall’s, Harry’s and his eyes were still red from all the crying that had happened in the moments leading up, yet they all looked happy. They had no idea of what was awaiting them, the band didn’t even have a name yet. He remembered how Louis had yelled for them to gather because his mum wanted to take a picture. They didn’t know everybody’s first names at the time, which was weird to even think about since they now had the feeling that they have known each other for all their lives. Looking at their five young faces, Liam measured, once again, how far they had come. How their lives had changed since that very first picture together. Yet, looking at them, he had the feeling that, deep down, they were still these boys. Just five kids living a dream, not quite sure of how they got so lucky. He stared at Harry’s smile and Liam felt his throat tighten, thinking about his friend. He remembered how unsure of himself and nervous Harry used to be, how the youngest of the band had evolved under their eyes. How he was still as sweet, generous, and nice as he used to be when he was 16. His smile hasn't changed at all, and Liam wondered if at that moment fate, god, whatever or whomever you believed into, had already decided to give everything to that smiling and innocent kid, only to then take it away from him. To grace the world with the chance of knowing what an amazing soul Harry had before ripping him away one moment later.

 

_\- His smile hasn’t changed,_ Louis murmured, following Liam’s gaze and pulling him out of his thoughts.

_\- Yeah,_ Liam simply acquiesced.

 

The two friends remained silent a bit longer, both staring at their younger selves in something that was a mix of endearment, disbelief and sadness. Endearment of how hopeful, cute and yet awkward they were. Disbelief of how young they had been back then, on how so much and yet, at the same time, so little time had passed. And sadness of remembering how they thought that only the best would await them, how innocent - or naive - they all had been.

 

_\- So,_ Liam sighed after a while, _how does that work? I mean, the liver donation thing. How are they doing it? What do we need to do?_

_\- First, you have to be over 18 but under 60,_ Louis stated, _tearing his eyes away from the picture to look at his friend_

_\- Okay, we’re good on that part, as far as we’re concerned. What else?_

_\- Then, obviously, you have to be in good health with no major medical or psychiatric illnesses,_ Louis added.

_\- Sounds reasonable…_

_\- If we meet the first two requirements, the following step is an evaluation phase,_ Louis explained. _They make sure that it’s a voluntary action and that your are able to understand and comply with instructions for surgery preparation and recovery, things like that._

_\- So like, basically they make sure you understand all the implications and that it’s your choice,_ Liam summed up.

_\- Yes, exactly. Once, that part is done, they check your compatibility._

_\- How is that done exactly?_

_\- Well, first you must have a compatible blood type, like, it’s the very first requirement even. So, once that point has been cleared, they send you a detailed confidential questionnaire about stuff like your family medical history, lifestyle and shit like that. You also have to pass some medical exams, like a bunch of blood analyses to determine if you’re a match regarding HLA typing, a Chest X-ray, they check your heart and you have to do an ultrasound…_

_\- Alright, that sounds boring but doable,_ Liam nodded. _What’s the HLA thing, though? he wondered._

_\- I don’t know like all the scientific details, but it’s something about the antigens we all have. Basically each person has, like, a different combination of these and they’re super important in the transplant success. To be a match, the two people must have the 6 same important ones,_ Louis answered. _Since there are over a 100 different antigens and everybody inherits at least 3 of the 6 from their parents. It explains why finding a match outside a pool of siblings or close relatives is more difficult._

_\- That’s when they found out Gemma wasn’t a match, right?_ Liam asked.

_\- Yeah, probably._

_\- Okay, then let’s say one of us has the perfect 6 anti-stuff,_ Liam continued, _what happens after that?_

_\- Antigens,_ Louis provided. _If you’re a perfect match, then, they consult the transplant team who determines if a donation can be performed. If they give their okay, then the surgery date is scheduled._

_\- And how long does that take? You know, like the whole process?_

_\- Usually, up to four to six months..._

_\- Isn’t that too long? I mean, you said it yourself, he has a few months at most…_

_\- Well, Dr Flint told me, that in exceptional case, they can speed up the process and do it in two,_ Louis informed his friend.

_\- Is Harry one of this cases?_

_\- I already talked to his medical team, and they told me that yes, Harry could qualify, because of his age and overall health._

_\- Okay… Good, good. But, like, can’t they make it even quicker?_ Liam wondered.

 

He had seen Harry deteriorating fast over the past few weeks and he was worried that even a two months delay would be two long for their friend.

 

_\- No, they can’t, because while they can accelerate the decision process and the tests, there is still a legal frame the medical team has to respect,_ Louis clarified.

_\- Okay, I can understand why they do… So when are we starting?_ Liam asked.

_\- I’d say as soon as possible…_

_\- Alright… Let’s go in the patio and smoke a cigarette, while I’m processing all the info you just poured on me, Dr Tommo, okay?_ Liam asked, getting up from the couch.

_\- I don’t smoke anymore,_ Louis simply stated.

_\- Really? Since when?_

 

Liam was surprised, out of them all, Louis had always been the biggest smoker. He was even sure that it was Louis who had dragged him into smoking at first.

 

_\- I stopped a couple days ago,_ Louis answered.

_\- Oh, okay… why? I mean, that’s great for you… Is that, like for the baby?_

_\- No, you have to be a non-smoker for at least six weeks before the surgery if you are donating part of your liver,_ Louis shrugged.

_\- Oh._

_\- Yeah._

 

Liam then realized that Louis was really serious about that idea of giving part of his liver to Harry. And that made him feel prouder of his friend than he had been in a long while.

 

_\- Well, time for a last cigarette, then!_ Liam said while stepping outside.

 

He left the door open so he could keep talking with Louis.

 

_\- I guess there are some risks, right?_ Liam asked puffing his smoke aside.

_\- Well… I mean, it’s surgery… so yes. But like the doctors say that the donor isn’t the one with the higher risk anyway..._

_\- Good to know… You already started the process yourself, didn’t you?_ Liam asked.

 

Louis nodded.

 

_\- I did, yeah, I had my first appointment with the psychologist a couple days ago._

_\- Psychologist?_

_\- Yeah, to determine my motivation and psychological state…_ Louis explained.

_\- Oh, I feel bad for that poor doctor, then,_ Liam joked, _your psyche must be such a mess…_

 

Louis simply stuck out his tongue, making Liam laugh.

 

_\- Okay, so how am I doing it? Do I call that same psy person, and ask for an appointment?_

_\- Well, before starting anything, do you know your blood type?_ Louis enquired.

_\- I don’t, but like I’m sure my mum knows…_ Liam said, thinking. _Or I could Google it!_ he joked. _You know your own blood type?_

_\- Yeah, I’m O,_ Louis shrugged. _Which is great, because, I’m virtually able to be a donor from anyone. Harry is B, he added after a while._

_\- How do you even know that?_ Liam asked.

_\- I don’t know… we just talked about it a couple years ago… in case something happened to the other… we were each other’s emergency contact, so it made sense, I guess…_

_\- Yeah, that makes sense…_

 

Liam continued to smoke in silence for a moment, before asking:

 

_\- Did you talk with, like, other people about it?_

_\- About what?_ Louis asked.

_\- Donating. What we’ve been talking about for the past hour,_ Liam answered.

_\- I didn’t, no._ Louis said. _And actually I was hoping you could…_

_\- Why me? I mean, it’s your idea, Louis._

_\- I know… But like, I think I’m not anybody’s favorite right now, so I feel like they might be more receptive if it was coming from someone else, someone they don’t hate…_ Louis said, biting his lips.

_\- Louis, nobody hates you…_

_\- Well, I can give you a couple names…_ Louis started, _but, besides, it isn’t about me. It’s about Harry._

_\- Right… How does he feel about that idea, by the way?_

_\- I… He doesn’t know about it._

_\- Why? Louis, he needs to know!_

_\- No he doesn’t._

_\- Louis…_ Liam sighed.

_\- Liam, you know him,_ Louis cut him off, _if we tell him, he’s gonna try to talk us out of it. Saying that he can wait like everybody else. That he doesn’t want to disrupt our lives or some shit like that. He’s never gonna let us do it._

_\- Well…_

_\- You know I’m right,_ Louis insisted. _If he knows about it, he’s gonna probably even try to find someone who “deserves it more” according to his standards…_

_\- Yeah, you’re right…_ Liam admitted. _Okay. So how am I doing it?_

_\- You could message everybody? Well, only like the people who know, obviously?_ Louis suggested.

_\- Sure, I can do that._

_\- Thank you, Liam. Really._

_\- You’re welcome. And you know what, Tommo, I’m very proud to be your friend right now,_ Liam added, smiling.

_\- Why?_

_\- Because… that… like this entire idea, this is so you. Being selfless, trying to help without trying to take any credit. It’s you, and I wish more people would realize that._

 

Louis didn’t answer, he just smiled back at his friend.

 

_\- Okay,_ Liam said, stepping back inside, _so, what I’m gonna do is send an email to, like, everybody and explain to them what you told me._

_\- Perfect. Thank you again._

 

 

***

 

 

A few days later, Niall, Zayn, and Louis gathered at Liam’s place.

 

_\- I’m not the right blood type._ Niall spoke up first.

 

He seemed very disappointed about it, even though it was completely out of his control.

 

_\- I am,_ Zayn said calmly. _I’m the same blood type, so I’m gonna do the extra tests next week. I already have an appointment._

_\- I’m AB, so I’m also a potential match,_ Liam added, _I’m gonna call to know when I can do the test too._

_\- What about you, Louis?_ Zayn asked

_\- I’m O, so yeah, I’m a good candidate too,_ Louis answered simply. _I already went through some of the additional tests, by the way._

_\- Good, so with us 3, plus the people from the team, that makes 15 people who are fitting all the requirements so far._ Liam counted quickly.

_\- That’s good, right?_ Zayn wondered.

_\- It is,_ Louis smiled _, now, all we have to do it go through the next round._

_\- Kind of makes me think of the X-Factor…_ Liam muttered.

_\- Then, in that case, let’s hope that you lot are gonna win this time…_ Niall deadpanned.

 

His three friends couldn’t help but smile at that comment, but they hoped the same. “Winning” this time wasn’t just about singing, no, “winning” this time potentially meant being able to save their friend. And no matter how incredibly grateful they all were for how that show changed their lives and the opportunities it gave them, in that moment, they all knew that this one “win” would be nothing compared to being able to keep Harry alive.

Niall and Louis found themselves alone in the living room after Zayn left to get pizza for everyone and Liam went outside to call Sophia. It was the first time in over four months - before everything had started - that the two men were actually in this particular situation. They remained silent for a while, not even looking at each other, in a somewhat uncomfortable atmosphere.

 

_\- I’m proud of you, Louis,_ Niall finally said, barely above a whisper.

 

The older man was surprised by his friend’s quiet declaration.

 

_\- Why?_ He asked, genuinely wondering.

_\- For what you’re doing. For having this idea. The ‘all testing ourselves for Harry’,_ he explained.

_\- Oh,_ was all Louis whispered back.

_\- I know I’ve been hard on you over the past few months…._ Niall added.

_\- It’s okay, I get it._

_\- It’s just that, you know, Harry…. He was broken._

 

Louis knew that, obviously, but it was different hearing it coming from one of their closest friends than just imagining it. His chest tightened and he could feel the tears coming up.

 

_\- And it broke my heart to see him like that,_ Niall continued, not noticing the other man’s reaction. _And then, everything else happened, and I don’t know, it was easier for me to just be angry at you. I focused on that so I wouldn’t think about what could happen to Harry._

_\- It’s okay, Niall,_ Louis said in a small voice.

_\- It’s not, though. I mean, I’m still pissed at you, more than anything. I still don’t understand how you could have been so stupid. But I blamed you for Harry’s health,_ Niall admitted, his voice breaking, _and that wasn’t fair. You’re responsible for a lot of shit going down, sure, but that one thing isn’t your fault…_

_\- I should have seen it,_ Louis whispered. _I should have noticed something was wrong with him…_

_\- We should all have. All of us…_

 

Louis didn’t answer, instead he just squeezed his friend’s knee.

 

_\- He’s so strong, you know,_ Niall added. _I don’t know how he does it._

_\- That’s just how he is,_ Louis murmured.

_\- He wants us to keep going, you know, like keep singing together… after…_

 

Niall was unable to finish his sentence, but Louis understood what he meant. A single tear rolled down Niall’s face, and he closed his eyes shut, trying to keep them dry.

 

_\- I talked to him, you know,_ Louis said, looking over at Liam who was smiling on the phone, a pang of jealousy in his chest at the sight of his friend’s content face. He remembered when just hearing Harry’s voice over the phone made him smile like this.

_\- He told me, yeah,_ Niall nodded.

_\- And, Niall, he was so nice to me… He told me that he wants me to be happy and… It killed me._

 

Louis began to cry.

 

_\- He told me it was okay for him to die… I couldn't breath anymore,_ Louis continued. _I know him, Niall, and he was really okay with that but at the same time, I’ve feel how scared he really is. But he isn’t scared for himself, he’s scared for us. He’s worrying about how we’re gonna deal with him being gone. I saw it in his eyes. I’ve hurt him, I broke his heart and yet he was there trying to comfort ME. He was still trying to make me feel better. Because that’s how he is. He’s always putting the others first. He always did that. You remember how he wanted to come out last winter..._

 

Niall only nodded, letting Louis speak.

 

_\- He wanted to include it in his contract renegotiation. He wanted it so bad, you know, being honest, being himself… And you know why it didn’t happen Niall? Because I stopped him. I told him not to do it. Because I was fucking scared of what people would say, because I knew that if he had come out, then people would have wondered about me too. I was so concerned about what some strangers could think about me that I asked him - my boyfriend -  to not do it. And he listened to me. He did what I asked. He put me first even though it was so important to him, even though he knew that it meant that he might have to wait for another 3 years. And now, all I’m thinking about is how he could die still surrounded by these lies that I pushed him into._

_\- Louis,_ Niall said patting his friend’s shoulder in a comforting way.

 

The two friends remained silent for a moment after that. Niall didn’t know what to say and Louis was still crying.

 

_\- I slapped him you, know,_ Louis admitted sheepishly, whipping his tears away.

__\- I know…_ _

_\- Yeah… All he did was stood up for himself,_ Louis explained, _I mean, thinking back, I know that what I told him was unfair, that I provoked him and that he was right to say what he said. The one time he actually was putting himself first, I slapped him. That’s when I saw it in his eyes. The pain, the anger, the regret of ever trusting me. I cheated on him and when he stood up for himself, I hit him… I regretted it immediately, you know, but I couldn’t take it back. It was too late..._

_\- He called me after,_ Niall said quietly. _He told me that… well, he didn’t really tell me, but this is how I understood it at least. The moment you hit him it was it for him. I really think he could have forgiven you about you know… the rest… but that action is something he couldn’t let you pass with. And I’m sorry, Louis, because I realize that you’re hurting too, but I’m glad that he for once stood up for himself. That he didn’t try to find you any excuses. I’m not saying that to hurt you Louis, you have to believe me, I’m just being honest and from where I stand, I’ve always had the impression that you took him for granted, that you knew that he would always forgive you everything… He looked up to you, so much, Louis. And I know that you loved him too in your own way, but I was tired of how many times I had to console him, how many times he came to me to cry on my shoulder because you came back with a lipstick stain on your neck, scratches he didn’t leave on your back or smelling someone else’s cologne..._

 

At his friend’s words, Louis froze, looking at him with wide eyes.

 

_\- But you want to know what’s the worst part?_ Niall continued. _Everytime he was afraid that you’d leave him. He blamed you cheating on him on himself. He kept wondering what he was doing wrong._

_\- He knew…_ Louis whispered.

_\- Of course he knew, Louis,_ Niall answered with a sigh _, we all did..._

_\- I…_

_\- Honestly, none of us really understood why you would even do that in the first place, you know, the whole cheating thing… Because, if he wasn’t enough, you could have spared him all this suffering and just let him go, let him find someone better- someone who would have worshipped the ground he walks on. Someone…_

_\- Someone who really deserved him…_ Louis offered in a small voice.

_\- Louis, it’s not… I mean… It’s not like you didn’t deserve him, it’s more like I think he deserved better… Not that you’re not good enough or anything… It’s just that I think you didn’t treat him the way you should have._

_\- I know… I wish I could do things differently, I swear…_

_\- Why… Why did you do it, Louis? And as his friend remained silent,_ Niall added, _why did you keep hurting him over and over again?_

_\- I didn’t know he knew… I didn’t do it to hurt him, you have to believe me,_ Louis pleaded.  _But I guess I kept cheating because it made me feel… I don’t know, better about myself. It was a way for me to prove to myself that I was attractive and that people liked me, I think… and I don’t know… because it was exciting or something, you know the fear of getting caught…_

_\- Well, it’s really stupid…_ Niall said, shaking his head.

_\- I know that, I know…_

_\- And, it’s dangerous also,_ Niall added.

_\- I’ve always been careful…_

_\- Well, I’d say you haven’t been at least that one time..._ Niall answered, knitting his eyebrows.

 

Louis didn’t answer, because really, he knew that Niall was right. He had played with the fire too often and he ended up burning himself.

 

_\- You know, it really shattered his heart… because family is so important to him and he always thought his would be with you…_ Niall added after another moment of silence.

_\- I’ve always thought that too,_ Louis answered quietly.

_\- And to think that he might never even get the chance to have one after all…_ Niall continued, his voice breaking.

 

After that, the two friends remained silent, both letting the tears run down their faces.

 

 

****

 

 

When Anne entered Harry’s hospital room, she found Gemma asleep with her face against her brother’s hand. They looked both peaceful and the sight made her smile. As she took Gemma’s jacket to put it over her daughter’s shoulders, the young woman slowly opened her eyes. She frowned for a moment, looking a bit confused.

 

_\- Mom? When did you arrive?_

_\- I just got here, sorry, darling, I didn’t meant to wake you up,_ Anne whispered not wanting to disturb Harry’s sleep. _How is he?_

 

Ever since Harry had been permanently transferred to the hospital just over a month ago because of his decreasing health and because of the ‘special circumstances’, the hospital administration had allowed the family to spend as much time as possible with him.

Anne had even been allowed to spend the night next to her son, and by now the family had set up some sort of schedule. Des would come in the mornings, allowing Anne to get back to Harry’s place, spend some time with Robin and Gemma, take a shower and have some decent food. Late mornings/early afternoons was the time friends were coming over and then Gemma would spend the rest of the afternoon by her brother’s side, waiting until Anne came back with Robin just before dinner time and Gemma and Robin would leave at the end of visiting time, leaving Anne alone with her son for the night.

Harry had tried to convince everybody that they shouldn’t focus all of their lives on him so much, but his requests had stayed unanswered and if he was being honest he actually found being surrounded by his loved ones very comforting.

 

_\- He’s been asleep all afternoon,_ Gemma informed her mother while stretching her sore back.

 

Anne sighed. Right after Harry first came back to consciousness, he had been tired but awake most of the time, however, in the past few days, he had been sleeping almost constantly - a way for his body to preserves the very little strength it had left, the doctor had explained to them.

 

_\- And the nurse told me he didn’t eat anything since breakfast,_ the young woman added.

 

Anne frowned, checking her watch. It was now 7pm.

 

_\- Did he drink at least?_

_\- Barely. He woke up for like 10 minutes when dad left but that’s it._

_\- Maybe I should talk to his doctor, see if we should perfuse him again…_ Anne wondered.

 

Gemma was staring at her brother’s sleeping form, biting her lips worriedly and she gently brushed away a loose string of hair of his forehead.

 

_\- He’s getting worse, isn’t he, mum?_ She murmured.

 

Anne didn’t answer, she just pulled a chair next to Gemma’s and took her daughter's hand in hers and squeezed it lightly.

 

_\- I feel like he’s slipping away, mum,_ Gemma said, her voice cracking.

_\- He’s still here, though. And he’s doing his best, sweetheart,_ Anne replied, looking at her son.

_\- It’s so hard seeing him like this and not being able to do anything for him,_ Gemma added, now letting the tears stream down her face.

_\- You’re doing something, sweetheart. Being with him is something, it’s everything even._

 

Gemma let her head fall on mother’s shoulder.

 

_\- It’s all we can do,_ Anne whispered after a short silence.

_\- We’re losing him, aren’t we, mum?_ Gemma asked in a small voice, almost as if she didn’t want to know the answer.

_\- He’s so tired,_ Anne answered instead, smiling sadly.

_\- He can’t leave, mum… He just can’t..._

 

With a soothing hand, Anne led Gemma’s head to rest on her shoulder. The older woman started to run her fingers through her daughter’s hair, while taking her son’s hand in hers.

His hand was so pale that every single vein was visible. On his middle finger, a tan line was still visible. Because he had lost so much weight over the past few months, Harry’s favorites rings were now way too big for his slim fingers. He had then chosen to take them off and wear them around his neck instead. They were laying, next to the small cross he always wore, on the thin shirt he was wearing, slightly moving with every breath he was taking.

A frown passed on Harry’s face and his mom wondered what he was dreaming about, hoping that he wasn’t in pain. She caressed his knuckles lightly and his face relaxed.

Anne could feel Gemma crying softly in her neck, she hummed quietly to soothe her. Anne felt like her heart had been continuously breaking over the past few months and seeing her children this way was almost too much for her to bear.

 

_\- He’s just a baby, mum, Gemma sobbed. He’s just… I can’t lose him. I just can’t. He’s my best friend._

_\- Oh Gemma,_ Anne only whispered, close to tears herself.

_\- He barely lived. It’s so unfair, mum…  He…_

_\- I know, sweetheart, I know…_ Anne sighed.

 

Anne looked over at her son with a sad smile. He looked so young right now, younger than he had in a long while. He looked peaceful too and she prayed in silence for it to be true. Though she had always known that her son was no ordinary boy, the recent events had proven to her once more how strong and caring he was. She hoped he wasn’t in too much pain, that he would hold on a bit longer.

 

_\- I want to be strong for him, mum… I want him to know that he can count on me… but… Seeing him like this… it’s just too difficult, you know…_

_\- You are so brave too, Gemma,_ Anne answered.

 

Gemma shook her head no, but Anne continued:

 

_\- You really are. You’re here by his side, by mine, everyday. You left your home, your job, your boyfriend to be there for us, and I don’t know many 25-year-olds who would do the same…_

_\- I… I need to be here… I just…_

_\- I know, Gemma,_ Anne cut her off, _I know it didn’t even cross your mind not being here everyday for your brother and that’s why I’m so proud of you…_

_\- Mum…_

_\- Let me finish… I’m so incredibly proud of you, Gemma. You are an amazing woman, not only because you are gorgeous and immensely smart, but also because you care so much about the people around you. You have such a good heart, sweetheart. And I’m so proud to be your mother. I feel like I didn’t tell you that enough lately._

_\- I… I’m just trying to follow your example, I guess,_ Gemma just shrugged. Then looking at Harry she added, _we both are, really…_

_\- And I couldn’t be prouder to call you two my children,_ Anne said, smiling softly.

 

The two women stayed silent for a moment, and while Gemma’s eyes were still red and swollen, she wasn’t crying anymore.

 

_\- I just want him to fight and to win, mum. I just want him to be happy…_ Gemma murmured after a while, looking at her brother.

_\- That’s all I’ve ever wanted for the both of you. For you two to be happy,_ Anne simply stated.

_\- It’s so unfair, mum,_ Gemma insisted.

_\- What’s important is that he has been loved and that has loved in return,_ Anne answered. _He has had the chance to do what he loved most in his life. He travelled the world..._

_\- But, that’s not enough mum. He deserves so much more. He deserves…_

_\- I know sweetheart, I know. He deserves the world and so much more, just like you do. He deserves it all, that’s for sure. But sometimes you don’t get what you deserve, sometimes life is unfair._

_\- He’s the person I love most on earth,_ Gemma said after a short moment of silence. _He’s my family, my safe place..._

_\- And you are mine,_ Harry whispered, his voice hoarse. _You are my safe place, my happy place, my home…_

_\- Harry,_ Anne murmured, _how are you feeling, baby?_

_\- How long have you been awake,_ Gemma asked at the same time.

_\- I’m good, mum…_ Harry answered while blinking, his eyes getting used to the light again. _And Gemma, I love you too, you know..._

 

Gemma just nodded, taking her brother's hand in hers again.

 

_\- I’m not really leaving you ,_ he added, _I’m still gonna be with you… All you’ll have to do is think of me and I’ll be there. I’m just gonna be sleeping in your heart and you’re still gonna be my safe place..._

_\- Harry…_ Gemma started.

_\- I know it won’t be the same… but I know that we’re still gonna be a family long after my heart stops beating. I’m still gonna be your little brother, just like granny is still our granny. We will always be a family, as long as at least one of us remembers what it was like, what it felt like to be together… We are a family, Gemma, nothing can change that,_ Harry concluded.

_\- It’s just so hard… So hard… Gemma sobbed._

_\- I know it is, Gemma, It’s hard for me too… but how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard,_ he added smiling.

 

The last sentence made Gemma laugh through her tears.

 

_\- You did not just seriously quoted Winnie de Pooh,_ she asked.

_\- I think I might have… oops…_

_\- Some songwriter you are, stealing lines from an innocent bear…_ Gemma teased, drying her cheeks.

_\- No worries, my lawyer is ready to offer him a pot of honey if Winnie wanna sue me…_ he joked.

 

The two siblings kept joking together under their mother’s eyes. It was pleasant for everyone and for a moment, it was as if nothing had changed. They’d almost forgotten where they were and that’s why Dr. Pratt entered the room without knocking took them even more by surprise. They looked at him almost in shock. And in a minute, with 4 words, the praticien changed everything.

 

_“We have a match”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, the biggest "Thank you" ever to Julia, the best beta ever and really the second brain behind this whole story!


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